“Fragile: not like a flower, but like more like a bomb”
“What Planet is Throwing A Tantrum In the Sky Right Now?”
Fiction. Based on a True Experience with Growing Pains.
by Noah Taylor
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.
It’s alarming. I am fuckin’ tired. This woman challenges me day and night. Every Monday she asks me to email her my short term, midterm, and long term goals before 5pm. In four weeks I went from smoking an ounce a month to networking with executives weekly, focusing on bettering my habits, and challenging myself to be productive through the obstacles that are a part of being an intense feeler. Jesus, I don’t even have my head on straight, and she’s encouraging me to partake in self-reflection to figure out ways I can improve each day. She feels like a blessing, but this is work like I’ve never known before. I am confused that I can rely on my boss like this. I am confused because I have never respected a boss like this before. I want to work hard and do my job well so that a mentorship outside of work could flourish—maybe even a friendship??? Hello, 911?? It’s Grace, again. I am suddenly wanting to be surrounded by tenacious, successful, hard-working women who want to better themselves every day. It just feels like all of this opportunity for growth fell out of the sky and shook up my life to the point where returning to the way I used to be isn’t possible or even wanted. This means the only direction is forward.
I know I manifested her. All of this writing I did to reflect on my emotionality, all of the therapy I went through to better myself and to weaken my ego to receive feedback better, all of the restlessness that I felt working at the ice cream shop, all the hours I spent praying for a job that would provide me the income plus a track of growth that would benefit the family that I am working to build simply shouted out to the universe that I was someone who was ready to be innovated. I asked for this, and this growth is so good! I am learning time management and how to prioritize, self-manage, and set goals in my personal and professional life from people working towards the same goal! This is a process that’s happening far more rapidly than I ever thought it would! Something that I thought would take years is only taking months! I think I am finally living. I’m not behaving like a depressed human that sleeps fifteen hours a day, smokes at least six bowls every day, and struggles to act like an accountable, respectable adult. I feel like all my goals are attainable and worth working towards.
Bitch, last week I learned that I have to stop putting emotional energy into situations that are in the past and are therefore impossible to change. Who the fuck have I become? I’ve gone from sowing grudges and hurt feelings to sowing solutions and a determination to improve. I didn’t even know I could be motivated like this. I don’t know if it’s the period of life I’m in, if some planet is doing some wild shit in space that is fucking up my birth chart, if it’s the influence of my boss, or if it’s the sudden addition of solid structure and routine in my life, but whew chile! It is happening! What planet is throwing a tantrum in the sky right now?