But I also worry that if I don’t worry, I will lose a sense of control. A sense of what could be, of what could crash down down like a brick against my head.

By Dorothy England

“Up & Down”

Fiction. Based on a True War I’m Battling.

by Viviany

This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.

Up

up 

up

with the clouds

in a high of joy

that I don’t ever

want to lose. 

But a single loss

makes me

drip

and

pour

leaving me empty or overflowing.

Worrying 

crying 

failing 

because life is cruel

and I don’t want to do 

it anymore. 

Screaming in my car

at spotlights that have 

no reaction.

Yet I kept driving

quietly

through the empty streets.

It is surprising 

how still things can seem

even when I’m 

falling 

apart. 

Down

down

down

right into the battlefield

where bodies fall.

I am the sound of cannons

breaking the sky open.

I am the war. 

But I don’t know 

how to 

survive.