“Remembering the days when you used to use any excuse to not do the work needed to keep moving forward, creates a sense of muddled feelings. You’re better than that now, but sometimes the overwhelming feelings that come with doing what needs to be done is exhausting. Sometimes you wish you could go back to the days where you’d take any excuse to stop working.” – Chelsea Wolfe
Fiction. Based on a true disillusionment.
By Bry LeBerthon
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.
you have realized, lately, that you might never be the person you want to be. The person you see yourself as, the person you think you are becoming.
The harder you work, the harder you try, the more you strive to succeed, the more you are overtaken with overwhelming regret.
What if you miss who you once were?
What if you don’t like the person youre becoming?
Then does it really matter if youre high functioning, successful,
you just don’t want to be a disappointment.
you’ve whittled away your whole life in order to carve yourself into someone who fits into keyholes,
who opens doors and opportunities,
well rounded smooth and neat.
And yet youve fallen through the cracks,
every bit of you not quite up to par,
the secondhand, forgotten,
even to standards of your own.
what would it be to take a break from tearing bits and pieces of yourself,
take a breath and choose to just be happy,
relinquish long sought standards of perfection,
sleep and never wake up?
what if being successful didnt matter?
is there somewhere better you could strive to be?
you convince yourself that you are doing better
you hide the disillusionment you feel
youre not sure that theres something better out there
you dont know if the self you understand is even real