“Umbilical” Fiction. Based on a True Disconnect with my Mother.

“When you’re in your mother’s womb for nine months, you’re surrounded by water, and you share your mother’s heartbeat, and share her breath, and you are one.” -Nahko Bear


Fiction. Based on a True Disconnect with my Mother

By Nikki Wicz


This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255


We were one once.
Tied together by organs
I was the knot in your stomach
The bug that ate your food,
And made you fat.

You were my fish tank
Not just a home, but
The one thing I couldn’t
Live without.

And I guess you thought
That that was how it
Was always going to be
Because you kept trying
To engulf me.

I was reborn, I was
Your wet clay, but when
You made my hands, I
Learned how to shape myself.

Now I’m afraid of you
Because I haven’t cut
The umbilical cord. I’m all the things
You never wanted me to be, but
I can’t tell you I’m proud
Of who I am because I’d hate to see

The disappointment on your face.
Even if somewhere, in your gut,
You already know.

I’m trying to convince myself
That you’d still love me
If you knew all my secrets
But then I remember that your love
Doesn’t look like mine.

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