“You cry and whimper
about my transformation,
but you needed it, darling.”
Fiction. Based on a True Disaster.
By Leanna Glenn Markham
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.
Another ugly, loathsome thing flies out of my mouth,
Not with wings
But propelled by an inner force.
We all see it in its writhing, hideous shape,
Its barbed tentacles reaching.
Then it shoots straight into the heart
Of someone I love.
If it happened but once,
I would be wretched
For a lifetime.
But not long after I launched
My first projectile of the day,
Another came forth.
I didn’t see it, didn’t intend it.
But the wounded one
Took it to his heart
As if I’d spent years crafting
The vile weapon.
I begged heaven for aid.
What do I say? How can I be?
I leaned hard into the winds of the Spirit,
Wondering whether my sails were shredded,
When my boat might sink.
But on the wind, I heard a note,
A soft, calming music before the words.
This, dear child, this mess
Is the answer to your prayers.
I lifted my eyes to the skies.
You asked to be made new.
For that to happen,
The old must spew out in
All its loathsomeness.
Then you can see it, reject it,
And receive what I have for you.
A golden light pours over me,
An energizing peace.
The assurance that a new creation
Happens every moment in me.
I am not the Creator,
But a willing partner in the remaking of me.
Drinking deep of fresh water,
I absorb the cleansing,
On this day, this present day
Of my transformation.