tired and wide awake

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“I don’t even have my head on straight, and she’s encouraging me to partake in self-reflection to figure out ways I can improve each day. She feels like a blessing, but this is work like I’ve never known before.” – Noah Taylor

tired and wide awake

Fiction. Based on a true work/life balance.

By Bry LeBerthon

This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.

I have no idea what balance is. 

I stand here, teetering, between too little and too much. The inky depths of the East River calls a siren song for me, while Manhattan’s cacophony of honking buses and taxis cries for me to join in its disharmonious dance. 

I am lulled out of daydreams, youth, and rest into the promises of responsibility and control. 

And suddenly, I am falling. 

Overwhelmed by others’ trust in me, 

by every role i have to bear, 

by who i want to be in life, 

by who i have become,

and the truth is,

I don’t think I can do it. 

I don’t think I can walk down the pathway I have paved for myself,

even if it took years to pave it, even if it is smooth and free of potholes and debris,

my legs are weak, and I am tired, and I don’t have the strength to carry myself anymore.

much less the self i aspire to be.

much less you.

and I don’t want to let go of my youth. there is such a beauty to innocence that i didnt realize when i had much more of it,

and i can feel myself losing more and more, 

and it is a part of life, i know, and i am still so young, i know, and i brought this upon myself, i know,

and its not exactly that i regret it.

i just want to turn back the hands of time, 

unlearn who i am and what im wanting,

be me again

asleep against the wide trunk of a magnolia tree

asleep and deeply dreaming. 

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