“Pain is not optional. We all have it, we all feel it, we all have to go through it.” – Elsa Kennedy

“Ticking Timebomb”

Fiction. Based on a true anxiety.

by Bry LeBerthon

This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.

for the last fifteen weeks, the dull throb in my chest has been near constant.
i ache, and i struggle, and i agonize over who i am, who i am meant to be.
i long to, at the very least, understand it all,
but i am unsure that i ever will.

for the last four weeks, i have been struggling relentlessly.
my nails are chewed down to the quick, but i am clawing my way out
of darkness, and of overwhelming light
it seems like i’m not moving until i look back.

for the last two weeks, i have been dreaming.
allowing myself to imagine what life will be like
when i am loved by both others and myself
when i am myself
when i am more than i am now.

i fight
not because i think i’m good at fighting
not out of commitment to the fight
not because i am able to defeat myself
but i fight for love of fighting
and fighting is the only way i’ll win.

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