“I said that people, they drop their stones in, their boulders, whether or not they mean to.” – Jin
This Must Get Put To Rest
Fiction. Based On a True Need To Rest.
by Annabelle Lennox
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.
This must get put to rest now. She is embracing these beautiful moments when she is alone, and she is learning how to fill her cup. The coffee cup. The emotional cup. The mind cup. The cups.
Tarot peeps talk about these cups and whatnot. I get the messages. Take what I need and leave the rest. In the morning when she wakes up she finds that she feels like she needs more sleep. Every morning is this way, but she also knows there is a real intense need to rest as well. The nausea came for her a bit already this morning, but she fought it off. The smells, the water, the fresh air, the hot sun, it’s all part of the activation of her best self. Her highest form of service. The thing she loves about AA is the being of service. Now, this used to come at a detriment to her own wellbeing. Learning how to hold the line of her own energy is so very important. It is a new thing to learn how to navigate the world when you are learning how to trust yourself again. Learning to trust yourself, for what feels like the first time ever, is startling and very uncomfortable. At first. That’s a lie. It’s not just at first, however, it does get easier and less uncomfortable.
It will be put to rest. The outcome will be what it will be. She stretches her arms wide and toward the sky. Breathing in the fresh air and listening to the birds sing their morning songs. Zoe Jane is safe. She said so. The answers you seek are within the realm of your conscious being. Continue to do what you are doing, and it is working. The purge was necessary, and you are recovering. You must nurture your being more and more and more. There needs to be more nurturing.
At night, when it is time to put the girls to sleep, Rhiannon’s world closes in on her. Putting them to bed has been a trigger for as long as she can remember. The little one is so sweet and loves to snuggle. She also is very handsy and that triggers Rhiannon into a panic. Every night. Zoe Jane puts her little mits on Rhiannon’s neck and pretends to tickle. She climbs on her and accidentally puts her forearms on Rhiannon’s neck. Ari had pinned her down like that more than once so this, is a form of torture to Rhiannon. Zoe Jane has absolutely no idea. It’s another example of one of the horrors that goes on that is a completely solitary and lonely experience. Alone in her head, trying to put her children to sleep. She’s alone. Always been a single parent. Even when there was the father of the child there. Neither of them ever helped with the newborn life. That was all her. All by herself. That’s one of the many reasons her and her children are so close. They are a trio. It’s the three of them. It’s like a band of sisters. Each one lifting each other up if they start to dim out a little bit.
She is supposed to be the mom, and sometimes this is truly very difficult for her. Sometimes she feels so ill-equipped to be a mother that she thinks it’s only a matter of time before someone tries to take her children from her. William has been an incredible support system to her psyche. That’s a gift. He blew it a few weeks ago, but for the most part, he’s just trying to help. He’s just like, “I am here, I don’t know, I am just going to keep trying.”