Think of you and forgetting you

Fiction. Based on a true event.

By Murooj Tahir

This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.

I have been thinking about you and I realized I forgot your name. You hurt me so much that you left lasting scars but I can hardly remember your name. Your face is fading from my memory and yet the scars remain.

It took a while for me to realize that you were the reason for my hurt and my pain. The fact that you were the one hurting me was only apparent when I left you.

I thought I was crazy for blaming you. Everyone said how nice you are and how kind you are. I was the odd one out for disliking you. You introduced me to the concept of gaslighting. I believed you and questioned myself. You made me feel worthless and you put yourself on a pedestal. And I believed you. And now that I know better I know that you didn’t deserve to be on the pedestal you put yourself on or even able to raise yourself that high.

When we met we were supposed to be a team of three, a team too small but not unreasonably small. And within the week we become a team of two, an unreasonably small team. And I didn’t know better so I stayed the year and had my mental state be shattered by you.

I had discovered that our team was unreasonably small because you pushed everyone away.

And when I left new people eventually joined the team. The small team becomes seven, not including you. And everyone newer than you complained about you, they hated how you tear apart your teammates and how you raise yourself on an unearned pedestal.

And I was happy with vicious glee that someone else hated you. And I was happy that people were working together to push you off your pedestal.

And now that I forgot your face and I forgot your name I realize that you must be lonely. And I wonder if you have friends or if you can even make friends. Friends that see you for you. Friends that you won’t push you away. Friends that can see you for you.