“I know that I still have a lot of issues that I have to like, discover and go through and get past.”
Fiction. Based on a True Cycle that I want to Break.
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character, or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.
There are days where I feel great, everything is fine, but that little ghost is just waiting for me. I can feel it there, feel it creeping, just waiting for its time. I’m kind of scared of it. I live life waiting for that little ghost to come back up and put me down. I don’t think I will ever not think about it. Thinking only makes it worse if I’m being honest.
Something always happens that triggers it. Almost every time it’s my own thoughts. I hear something or see something and remember why being depressed is sometimes better, sometimes life isn’t okay and that’s when it starts again. I get angry at everything and everyone. I don’t want to talk. I wake up, do my work, go to sleep again. I stop eating or sometimes I eat too much. I can’t concentrate at work. I can’t even concentrate on reading because I think of everything at the same time. I start getting overwhelmed which causes my anxiety to rise. I feel so fatigued. Life is literally making my body feel like it’s 80 years old.
Sometimes as much as you know it’s bad, you don’t really want to get better. Your mind plays tricks and makes it seem like it’s okay to feel like this. But sometimes, months pass by and you’re still feeling numb and lifeless and that’s not okay.
It gets bad and you finally get help. You get better but it slowly starts to get bad again because no matter how much you want to get better it’s always there, it’s always ready to swallow you whole. Sometimes it’s worth the fight but sometimes it gets so exhausting I just let it consume me.
But not today, today is a new day. It’s time to get up and get going. I have a life. I can’t waste it here in this bed. Come on body, we can do it. We’re going to get up and we’re going to take a shower and get ready for work. We’re going to eat today too. If we’re lucky we can sneak in a work-out, maybe even meet up with some friends. I can do this.
I actually feel excited for life and I enjoy it. Mostly because I know how dark it can be so when I have that light, I let it shine as bright as it can.
Every day is a battle, some win, some lose. But for now, I’ve won every single one because I’m still here, I’m still here fighting for myself.