“For a long time, I was in my own way”
By Larisa Gosla
“The Angel Talks With the Devil”
Fiction. Based on a True Conversation.
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
The angel talks with the devil on my shoulders. They both want to talk to me but they don’t let me speak.
The angel says to not whine about it.
The devil tells me to whine all I want.
The angel says that all things must be done with love and compassion.
The devil tells me to forget other people and do things for me and whatever makes me feel good.
The angel says that doing good will make me feel good in the long run.
The devil says to forget about the future and focus on the now.
I am tired. Why do so much good if all I get is evil? Should I turn evil? Should I hang on a little longer?
The devil says no. Don’t hang on, be evil. Fight fire with fire. If someone does you wrong, do worse.
The angel says to be a better human. If someone does you wrong, show them kindness; they might be lost.
Yet, I’m lost too and no one shows me kindness. Where is my kindness, I ask the angel?
The angel asks me if I show myself kindness?
The devil answers for me with a no and laughs.
Kindness. Kindness is defined as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. Affection, gentleness, warmth, concern, and care are words that are associated with kindness. I am not any of those.
Friendly? The devil laughs at the word. “Your ‘friends’ call you cruel,” the devil says.
“You’re just honest with them; they love you for that,” the angel says.
Generous? The devil scoffs, “Don’t be generous- be selfish.”
“You are generous with your time; whenever someone needs you, you’re there for them and listen to them,” the angel says.
I might be generous, but who’s generous with me?
“Exactly, that’s why being selfish is better,” the devil says. “Don’t be considerate of other people.”
“Be considerate to yourself so you can continue to be generous to others,” the angel says.
I do have to be selfish, at least a little. I have to take care of myself for once. I have to get up and do things for myself rather than let myself burn out for other people.
Is that so wrong for once?
No one answers.