“Teach Me About Myself” Fiction. Based on a True Reflection.

“You wish to hide yourself from everyone and then you complain about being lonely.”

by Jin

“Teach Me About Myself”

Fiction. Based on a True Reflection.

by Jin

This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.

Being sick and alone in this house reminds me of being in that house with her. It’s a beautiful day outside and the sun is shining in the middle of winter, but I won’t go. If I step outside, it will be cold. It’s cold like it was when the seasons changed there and everything turned brown. 

Everything was brown from the start.

What is it about being alone in a house that makes me feel like I don’t exist? I lock myself up in places, and then I feel trapped. I isolate myself and then feel lonely. I tell myself I’m relaxing, that I’m healing my sick body, and then I start losing my mind.

What, if anything, is real? And why have I felt like I’m spinning out of control lately? The smallest things send me into a panic. I’m not doing the things I’m supposed to be doing. I’m trying to be kind to myself, but I’m failing.

Everything reminds me of that place. Especially the winter. Especially when I’m sick. I feel like I don’t exist.

When I was with you, I felt safe. I didn’t feel this crushing sense of ennui with intense stress in equal measure, as if the boredom was the mud and my responsibilities were a mattress on top of me, squelching me into the ground and slowly suffocating me.

But I take that back. I did feel that. But you became my purpose. I needed a way to distract myself. I am constantly looking for obsessions to take my mind away from what I’m really feeling.

What I’m feeling now is fear. I feel unsafe, and I don’t know why. Perhaps unsafe from myself. I’m out of control, unknowing of what might happen around me, constantly disappointed in myself. I want to disappear. I want to save the beautiful, pure self that’s inside of me and take her away from the storm that is my thoughts and emotions. I want someone to save me.

Teach me about myself. Tell me who to be, what to do, what to like. Cheer me on when I do what you want. That way I don’t have to think for myself. I can start basing my worth on what you think of me. That’s easier, right? Then I don’t actually have to face myself.

But if I let others see her, my true self, she’ll feel exposed and then hurt. After, I’ll tell her, I told you so. Open yourself up, and this is what you get.

Take me away while I long for love. Package me away from those who might hurt me.

But I want them, I need them to survive, she says. Who am I without them? Who am I without you?

She and I? We need saving. But we can only save each other.

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