“A thrill of change and the pang of nostalgia…”
Fiction. Based on a True Sense of Being Hidden Away.
By Anastasia Cosima
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.
I don’t want to be someone who is hidden away, seen only in secret, only when it is convenient for you. It makes me feel dirty, as if there is something shameful or wrong with me. I don’t think you understand how much of an impact this has on me. I want to be able to hold hands with you in public. I don’t want to constantly worry if someone is going to see us together and make me out to be something and someone I am not.
I don’t want our dates to be planned in advance in locations that are carefully chosen with others in mind. Why can’t we choose a place that we both like, that we both enjoy? Why can’t we visit a place on a whim, because we had a moment of spontaneity? I miss doing the things that normal couples do.
I hate not being able to confide my thoughts and feelings to my best friend. My friends really want to meet you and get to know you. I want them to get a chance to know you.
There is so much of my life I cannot share with you, and there’s so much of your life you cannot share with me. I don’t remember a time I have ever felt so alone, so hopeless, so isolated, so trapped.