“It can be time that you feel is wasted or it can be reflective time where you line everything up as what it is you need to do.”
Fiction. Based on a True Time of Reflection.
by Rebecca M.
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character, or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.
|Sometimes I keep getting put on the spot by people I’m close with who want to know what’s wrong or what’s on my mind. Each time, I open my mouth to say something, but the words don’t come out. I’m not even sure what’s on my mind. It’s like I have absolutely no thoughts, but at the same time, a mixture of thoughts keep circling my head all the time. Thoughts about the place I’m at, how I should respond to people asking me these questions, or if I should even respond to them at all. Sometimes I think if I say the wrong thing, I’ll get myself in some kind of a bigger mess than I’m already in. If I explain all that is going on in my mind, they’ll think something is wrong with me. And if I say the right thing to them, what I think they want to hear, then that would mean I would have to go back to my daily routine and act like everything is okay.
Where is the person within me that believed she could? Why is it that every time things start to feel right, I’m often left with no sense of direction soon after? Thinking to the point where I don’t know what I’m thinking anymore. I feel like I have so much to think about and to solve, but all the time in the world isn’t enough to get to any solutions. I feel that if I just have more time to think, I’ll figure something out. I’ll figure out how to get out of this mess I’ve created for myself. I’ll figure out a way to leave these negative thoughts and doubt in myself, and go back to how I was before. But instead, I stay in my room all the time, either staring into space or sleeping.
Why is it that whenever I map things out, I tend to stop halfway down the road because I’m scared to see what’s on the other side? Why not face the things bothering me head on? Look straight at them rather than past them.
It’s ok to feel scared about changes in life. It’s ok to feel like that initial motivation has disappeared. Maybe I just have to keep trying different things until something sparks. I need to keep in mind that when I decide to do something, I will get it done. I have control over it all, and that’s good because it means I can choose to change things at any time.
The person within me that believed she could… She’s still here. And always has been. She’s always ready to give me that push that I need to get to where I want to be. I just need to allow that into my life. I can definitely be that confident version of myself that I envy during the times that I feel defeated and fearful. Fear has had enough of the spotlight. It’s time to shine the light on something more positive. Because it deserves to be seen.