“The darkness
I ooze.
The broken skin
I carry.
The soreness
I exude.

Will you
take me
into the depth,
where no man
is allowed?

You can take me.
Please,
take me.” – Gracie

Slow-Crawling

Fiction. Based on a true inferiority complex.

By Bry LeBerthon

This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.

You
pour your heart out onto paper
spill your soul out into ink
funnel lust and love and hatred into swirling letters on the page
you try not to look back
and it is all you can do
to keep from shutting down
sometimes
because you are so scared.
you are so scared all the time
so terrified of what people think
but you go and do it anyway
sidewalk girl
with your hair blue and fried
heat damaged and bleach damaged
you imagine its what the mermaids’ hair was like
all frazzled after days months and years in salt water
broken from their time spent in the sea
and you go down there too
when you can
if you could
wander to the ocean and stare out at the horizon and wonder
if i were the main character of a teen movie
what would i be thinking?
no but really
if you were the main character of this movie
instead of the extra on the sidewalk
instead of the fat bff
instead of the edgy background character that gave the main girl emotional support
instead of the ethnically ambiguous/token asian friend
who would you be?
what would the movie be called?
you think
you are content being on the side
you are content being the character around for support
to help the main characters in their time of need
a point of reference, comparison, contention
never better than but never particularly less
you are stability
you are softness
and maybe that is boring
but you have your own plot too
you are slowly growing
putting roots into the earth
evolving as the screenwriters realize who they are and what they have put onto you
and you are always present, never changing, just the same
except
when fans compare the finale and the pilot
and see you in the background, to the side
they realize, without you, the show’s nothing
and you have been evolving this whole time
so if she’s harry, you’re ron or hermione
if she’s ramona flowers, you are knives
and you’re content to be slow-crawling ivy
until entire walls are lined with vines