“Why am I here, what is this all about, what’s the point, what am I really doing, what is this place that I live in, all these powerful questions that question everything I’ve been through and everything I’ve known”
By Larisa Gosla
Fiction. Based on a True Absence of Sound.
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Silence is deafening. It makes my ears screech.
Do you hear it?
There is nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Yet, there is everything.
There is the emptiness I feel in silence. Empty, there is nothing — do you hear it? You don’t? Because that’s just it. Silence can’t be heard. Silence can be listened to.
I listen to the thought it brings. Some people get headaches from loud noise. I get a headache in silence.
I listen to everything.
I listen to my brain saying, “You’re alone again.”
I listen to my brain saying, “Fall asleep.”
I listen to my brain saying, “Eww, there is another roll on your abdomen.”
I listen to my brain saying, “Are you really going to eat all that food?”
I listen to my brain saying, “Are you really going outside? Who needs so much light?”
I listen to my brain saying, “Another day wasted.”
I listen and listen. Sometimes I put a movie or music on, but that silence is imminent. My brain blocks out the noise and brings silence and the thoughts that come with it.
I can’t continue to live like this. I can’t continue with this silence. I need new noises, new thoughts.