“Self-Portrait as an Artists’ Journey.” Fiction. Based on a True Deepening.

“Butterflies represent a transformation of human soul… everytime I’m doing a butterfly, I’m actually transforming somebody’s soul.” –Marisabel Bazan

“Self-Portrait as an Artists’ Journey”

Fiction. Based on a True Deepening.

By Nikki Wicz

This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional

I’ve never felt like a butterfly
Emerging from a cocoon
Rather, an artists’ sketch
That started as a stick figure
When she was three years old. 

After a few years, I’ve graduated
To crayola, melted wax colors
Somewhere outside the lines: 
An image that only resembles a girl
Who hates dresses and flowers
And anything pink. 

Maybe, my artist will take
Art theory in high school, and 
The shadows under my eyes 
Gain the weight of lead
From her pencil as I 
Forget to sleep at night
Awake with the thought
Of my friend’s words:

She’ll experiment with shapes
And lines, and I’ll be split
Open and broken up into
Picasso-esque fragments
Of myself. A cubist rendition
Of the human condition, and 
All my complex emotions which 
Really aren’t all that complex, 
Will force me to see that I
was everything they said 
I was, plus a hoarding problem. 

She’ll decide that modernism 
Is the way to go, and I am 
Simplified into only pinks and 
Hints of objects that might look 
Like a book, a dead flower, or
If you really squint, a 
Confused, semi-adult unsure 
If their hatred of their body is
A questioning of gender or just
A hatred of the fat that flops
In chunks around their bones. 

My favorite era is her
Obsession with Bosch when 
I become a million people and
Monsters in a thousand places
All at once. I am light and dark
And passion and pain, there’s no doubt
About it, I am alive

As I’ve always been. 
From stick figure to Pink
Hell, I have always been 
Her muse, it’s not that I 
Have transformed, rather
I’ve deepened.

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