“There are so many different ways of being vulnerable”
By Rajiv Jain
Fiction. Based on a True State of Mind.
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
You wake up. The first thing your eyes see is the damn white ceiling. The same white ceiling you look at every morning and night. You look at it and all that hope of it being a new day is slowly drifting away. Because it’s not a new day. It’s the same day as always.
You hear the AC on full blast; you like it cold so you can pile on more and more sheets. The sheets feel soft on your skin and it’s so warm you don’t want to move. You’re in your cocoon of safety. You feel it creeping, the headache. That awful headache that won’t leave you be at peace. You decide to sleep a little more. What’s a little more going to do? You have nowhere to go. Another hour of sleep won’t be so bad. But that one hour turned into three and it’s noon now.
You have to get up. Your house is empty. You still live with your parents; you have no shame in that. You love living with your parents. What you’re ashamed of is that you have a bachelor’s degree and no job. You have nowhere to fall except for the safety of your parents.
In the kitchen, you make the same ham and cheese sandwich that you do every morning. You sit on the table by yourself and you hear it, silence. Complete and utter silence. You hate silence. It makes you want to cry. Or maybe it’s the thoughts that come with silence.
You put on some Netflix to disguise the silence that makes you drown in thoughts. You need sound to distract you. You eat and you watch.
When you finish, you decide whether to go into your room or the living room. Whichever you decide, you know you’re going to do the same thing… fall asleep.
Being in this little house makes you feel so small. You were doing so well by yourself off at college and here you are again, back at square one. It’s been months and you still haven’t found a job. Rejection after rejection. No one wants you, no one thinks you’re worthy. You used to have an amazing life and now you’re back to zero. Starting over is scary and really, it sucks. You don’t know how to do it again. You did it once and you failed: how can you do it again? Will it be a failure once again?
You want to go out, you want to meet up with your friends, but you’ve pulled away from them, and now it gives you anxiety to think about meeting with them again. You don’t know your friends anymore. Their lives are different. So what? You’ll call them up to hang out and talk about what? You haven’t seen them for months. You speak occasionally, but it’s not like you’re still those great friends you were. Because you let them go. They don’t visit because you’re too far. Or maybe it’s because all you do is just sit there. You’ve lost your social skills. You don’t know how to talk to other humans without being harsh, or being a complete pessimist. So, they don’t visit. They’d rather text and tell you they’re busy.
You’re not busy. You have absolutely nothing, but no one wants to be with a downer.
All you have is the possibility of new beginnings. New beginnings seem so far away. They are there, just far.