Inspired by Forgiveness and Pie. Intention-Say the things to the one. Showcase January 2021.
“Say the Things to the Ones…”
Fiction. Based on a True Shattering.
By Butterfly Rising
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.
The five for forgiveness…
Intention…say the things to the ones…
I am not sure if you were the one I should pick. But I am going to because I need this shit out. I need it the fuck out of me. I forgive you for being so damaged that you can’t see anything authentically right now. That your perception of me, of our relationship, is skewed in such a way that doesn’t even make sense. But I forgive you for the way that it all made you feel too. I can see it all comes from a similar place as my own dark cracks and crevices. I understand that you may never be able to face this and I don’t think that I am ready to forgive yet. I may never. I empathize with a struggle, but you need to pull it the fuck together and do right by her, or go. I forgive you for putting us all through hell. Not all the way though. I don’t forgive you all the way. It’s a process. I cannot rush this. It’s not to be forced. It’s not being pressured. It’s to be left to flow with its intention as intended. I forgive you in some ways for it all because my life has so much more light in it now. I couldn’t have asked for more in terms of helping me grow. If you hadn’t attempted to shatter me, I wouldn’t have broken open the parts of me that I have been hiding from the world. I forgive you for completely isolating me like a prisoner. Than isolating me even more inside the home. I forgive you for that because I have realized so much from those experiences. It took me months to feel safe. Months. Well a year even. I forgive you a little for that. I am still scared a lot and that really pisses me off. So I am not ready to let that shit go. I think once I get my “form” of justice, and I feel protected, so that I can protect Fiona, perhaps there will be more grace and forgiveness available for you.
William…you, buddy. That nonsense the other night…come on…I forgive you for being so low vibrational that you can’t even comprehend the nightmare I just experienced. I am not sure how to approach you right now. I am barely holding it together most of the time right now. So I can’t do long intense bullshit with you right now. I forgive you for your own pain that is still lingering about the death of our marriage. It bothers me too. We are going to have to talk about that… eventually… I think, or we will keep cycling in and out of this. I don’t want to do that…but I can’t talk to you yet. You crossed the lines, and were abusive and shitty just like him. That really hurt…so…I gotta sit on this for a bit. Which, I can tell, you get. So, I thank you for that. I trusted you….and you broke it all…but you are giving me space right now and that’s growth too.
Self…my dear…here is the truth. I think…you are going to have to forgive yourself or you will likely never be able to forgive anyone else. So, self…where do we start? I forgive you for not vacuuming this morning. I forgive you for having a melt down last night that felt like an internal hurricane. My brain and heart feel like it’s in the aftermath of that right now. I forgive you for all the things you don’t get done today. I applaud you for the things you do.
I forgive you for feeling like your children were sucking the life out of you. I know now that I should have loved you enough to run sooner. But we are here now. They are happy. They are so loved. They are safe. They’re brilliant. Release the mom guilt. You do need to work on some things still, so you’re not off the hook there, but you are doing amazing. I forgive you for believing lies about yourself that others told you. That is just not your fault. I know you are hurt because you are also embarrassed that you believed him. That you believed lie after lie. You have to forgive yourself that they played your kindness against you. That’s fucked up and it’s not your job they played fast and loose with their moral compass.
I forgive you for being so damn naive. I forgive you for believing in someone more than you believed in yourself. I forgive you for allowing the darkness into our lives. I forgive you for relapsing. I forgive you for forgetting that you are your own home. I forgive you for building the walls that you built in order to survive. I forgive you for being such a hermit so often now. I see there is actually nothing wrong with being a hermit either. We are enjoying the solitude and the space we are in. I forgive you for allowing the darkness to derail us so far. I am grateful for you using your ingenuity and allowing the universe to gift you solutions to your problems. Astounding really. Fucking astounding.
I forgive you for not realizing how much power you have to curate the life we all want. I applaud you for the amazing work you have done to grow into a beautiful free soul. You have so much work to do. But you finally see that it doesn’t have to be fast. That things are not always what they seem, but that doesn’t mean bad. That phrase is associated with bad, almost always. But the truth is that there is so much more life out there that I hadn’t been considering over all these years. Now I see that since college, I have been shrinking and shrinking to fit what wouldn’t bruise my ex husband’s ego. I am working on forgiving us for being so small by the time we got to the devil that he had such an easy time getting in.
I can’t even believe that we did that. Allowed that ridiculous darkness in. But we did. We will get to forgiveness.
Fault. I am searching for the truth. I am searching for the parts where I need to know what role we played so those painful things will never happen again. It’s so strange to me how this whole thing shook up so many parts of my life. Someone SO pathetic and emotionally malnourished was able to disrupt everything in my life. A whirling dervish came in and kicked up dust from the corners in the attic of my mind.
The dust is settling, but the reality is that it was a lot of over-stimulating emotions and sensations.
I forgive myself for not realizing that my body has been telling me so many things for so many years. I didn’t mean to ignore my most sacred vessel. I didn’t mean to ignore my body. I need to love my body in a way that breathes life into the universe.
I forgive myself for allowing my body to take on such a beating for so long.
We thank you SO much for not taking the piano and our Aunt Hank blanket. We seriously don’t know what we would have done if he had broken or ruined those things. I should’ve known that was just such a giant red flag. And I didn’t take my blessed eagle feather from Beth either. Those things are blessed and I had never even considered taking them out of my parens house into his.
These three things, I protected.
But I didn’t protect us.
I didn’t protect us.
I am sorry.
We forgive you.
We are, and will be, ok.
We are regrouping.
We are safe.
We are less fragmented.
Everything I loved over the years has literally been a tool and resource that I have needed to get through this experience. I am constantly resourcing my own observations, stories told and heard, in order to get through this. I forgive you for taking this long, but I applaud you because this is moving forward so positively.
We are kind.
We are good.
We are love.
We are light.