“Are the things that are broken ever able to be amended?”
Fiction. Based on a True Uncomfortable Reminder.
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
She was broken and I ran away. I found myself pulling away. I averted my eyes. I was there for the fallout but then I disappeared when it was time to build her back up again. I found myself doing the things I said I’d never do.
I’ve always prided myself on being there for my friends. I fault others when they’re not there for me. When did I become so selfish?
You texted me and my first thought was of myself. I thought, I do not like this panic that is rising like a churning wave within me. I want to run away from it. I want you to tell me that everything’s fine, that you’re okay, so I can go on in my prim little world.
Is it any wonder? I spent months being that person for somebody. The fallback. The cheerleader. The one who leapt to action after only minutes of silence, who stayed up hours into the night, outside in the freezing cold, talking him down from suicide.
Did anyone do the same for me?
In those moments we are always alone, anyway. No one can reach us. We are barren cliffs, devoid of all feeling, or perhaps so saturated with it that we can no longer distinguish anything. We are upside down and sideways, caught in the riptide, spinning out of control.
Around, around, around, and back again . . . around, around, around, and back again.
Are you still caught in that whirlpool? Did she throw you a line and you’re now climbing your way out again? I truly hope so. I’m sorry I was not able to be that person. All I could do for you was climb down into the muddy ditch with my thigh-high rain boots and lurid yellow rain jacket. I must have looked ridiculous. But you didn’t care, did you?
The only thing that mattered to you was that I was there.
I can’t fault myself for that, at least.