“…How hard it is to maintain an openness to things changing. Sometimes I find myself stuck in the unfairness of the situation or just how hard things are…Human Nature…we get stuck really easily…things that are beautiful verses things that are painful doesn’t matter. We want to cling to them. We don’t want to let go of feelings.” -Elsa Kennedy
Fiction. Based on a True Accusation.
By Mingjie Zhai
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.
When you were at Ostrog Monastery, one of the last pews you entered was the fourth story, the highest level, at the left side of the monastery facing the mountains. You waited. There were a couple of young teenagers who waited behind you. You waited because when you popped your head in, there was a priest who had his hand on a man, with eyes closed, praying in Montenegrin. You felt like you were intruding on someone’s privacy. On the Priest’s right side was a coffin…perhaps the actual corpse of one of the original saints there, perhaps not. Directly across from the priest, behind the man confessing, was a confession booth. Odd, how they didn’t utilize it, or perhaps this small enclave, which reminded you of a small basement because of the low ceilings, became the entire confessional. You wait, and then the man who was doing the confessing waved you inside. You walk in, but you did not know what to do because now the two men were talking to each other in Montenegrin with you behind a pew, watching as the two kept going back and forth. You kept standing, and soon afterwards, you felt kind of silly just being there.
You felt like a little girl again among two adults talking. That feeling of once again being the outsider looking in at strange creatures going about in their drama, in their locked in conflicts, in their issues, problems, and trivialities, all came rushing in. You didn’t move until the teenagers who were waiting behind you came into this tiny enclave. You watched as the two teenagers went straight to the coffin to bow their heads. The girl went to the booth that you thought was a confessional and opened up her money pocket to put a few Euros in the box that you did not notice was there. The boy followed the girl while the men continued talking, blasé about their presence and yours, about something serious according to their inflection. It seems the priest was chastising the man and the man was owning up to it.
Amy texted you out of the blue on your photography Instagram. Strange because just a few minutes prior you had checked on her Instagram to see if there were any pictures of her and Aaron together. Nope, just her in some flashy car bragging about how rich, bougie, and fabulous she is along with how sexy her body is. It amazes you how every single one of her pictures is of herself, most specifically her bare naked body with the statement, “Easy to lust, hard to love.” Well, isn’t that every girl that’s bounded by the Jezebel spirit?
It surprises you that Aaron would be with her after he judged you for attending an intimate party with some people who actively practice witchcraft and wicca. You don’t see them as the enemy, just like you don’t see Amy as the enemy. You know the battle is not in the flesh but in the spirit, and most of us, especially in Los Angeles, are spiritual blinded by the self, confusing lust with love, magic with miracles, and ambition with true pride.
Some people are thirsty.
Most people are thirsty.
Thirsty for truth.
This day, Amy made a thirsty move. She texted you to say that Aaron wants you to stop harassing him, to leave him alone, that he did not want you back in LA. Of course, this is a blatant lie. You screenshot the email dating just a few days back showing Aaron telling you to come back home to LA. You have to follow her on Instagram so the ‘message’ icon can pop up. You send this to her. She then deletes the first text and texts back, “stop following me. Leave me alone.”
A few minutes later Aaron emails you to stop harassing Amy. It was definitely a thirsty move on her part. The bitch set you up. Clever move on Jezabel’s part. She wanted to make you out to look like the psycho. It’s a very lefty, socialist, projection move.
You tell Aaron that she texted you first and luckily you had screenshot the statement showing that the sender had unsent the text. Time was 3:33. Interesting.
This type of setup means that she is losing Aaron’s love for her and she knows it. What she doesn’t want to own up to… something you are quite familiar with… is that she was losing him a long time ago, long before the two of you had met.
Still, she made it known that Aaron hates you.
“He wants to sue you,” she claims.
Shit, you think, you can’t threaten me with a good time. You think of your ex-fiance, Green Eyes… oh how you loved his courage, blasé audacity to go with the flow, to show up for a fight, the Irish spirit.
That fight turns you on.
To this day, Green Eyes still thinks about you even though he has already moved on with another family. He wanted to have a family with you so badly, but when you kept pushing him away, and when things got too serious, you would break up, then ask him back again. It got insane. He soon saw your pattern—you were a scaredy cat. Afraid of commitment. Afraid of embracing the good, the bad, and the ugly…the super ugly, in another human being. One of the last things he said to you was that no matter what he did, how hard he tried to please you, it was never good enough. Soon afterward, he found a girl who looked similar to you—in ethnicity anyway, though that’s about it, and started a family with her within months. He just jumped ship but realized with deep regret, that his rush to start a family wasn’t that he wanted any family…it was that he wanted a family with you, hoping you would change.
You wonder if this is a similar scenario to yours with Aaron. Deep down you suspect it may be. It is not that you want to have a family with Aaron, it’s just that you are ready to have a family… but you want to have a family with Rylie, the man whom you had fallen in love with a year ago, a few years after breaking up with Green Eyes, who reminded you of a mixture between Sonny, your ex-husband, and Green Eyes, your ex-fiance. Somehow, you still hope it’s going to be Rylie.
“I sincerely hope that you find the man that you are supposed to be with. Just leave Aaron and I alone. If you come back, I will defend our home,” Amy texted.
There was a part of you that felt compassion for Amy—especially her desperation for you to just stop inserting you spirit into Aaron’s heart…it gave him something that currently she was not giving him—the room to just be his entire authentic self…not the Beverly Hills Wolf of Wall Street man that he spiritually hates…no…this is why you know that currently Aaron hates himself…it’s obvious in the way he does not take care of himself…he doesn’t sleep, overworks, and then tries to show off to people, pay for their meals, act like the big shot…and he hates it all deep down inside…all of it. He instinctively is drawn to authenticity yet can’t do it with a woman whose spiritual eye has not yet been activated.
You told her that Aaron was not your first choice.
Aaron was not your first choice because the current Aaron has been enabled, coddled, and encouraged to become the type of man that both you and Aaron hates—an artificial/superficial one.
You think about when you were 29, trying to “defend” the “foreign invader,” or “the other woman” from “seducing” Sonny, trying to control all situations in hopes that your efforts would prevent Sonny from leaving you. Sonny gave you hints that the problems did not start with the presence of the other woman, but it started a year before her insertion. Even when he kept coming back and choosing you, when it came down to the wire between choosing you and the other woman, you had the hardest time forgiving him. The Jezebel spirit had a stronghold over you and you did not trust in God to just be patient. Instead, you put on the air of entitlement, of victimhood, of self-righteous hate and lashed out at Sonny, especially when you would pick up the drink. Anxiety. It was the anxiety you wanted to curb with the spirits. By now, you believe the spirits caused more anxiety in a positive feedback loop of withdrawal—anger, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, then drinking to temporarily stop it, which only caused you to being more obnoxious when intoxicated, then sobering up to more of this…it was insanity. And having to go back home to see the man who no longer loved you…knowing that his heart now belonged to someone else…it was too painful to know, so you kept drinking, kept pretending, kept acting as if that this was not happening when it was. The conversations that you never really had because you were not willing to own up and take action towards any changes that Sonny hoped for….starting with you quitting alcohol. You couldn’t quit. Next your constant criticism and self-righteous negativity, your attraction towards drama/debate/tension, your love for instigating uncomfortable situations…you relished in seeing the happy faces fall off of people so you could see the other side….the shadow side of people…the dark side of the moon. Is that delighting in evil? Perhaps. Still, it was that part of you that Sonny no longer could put up with. It energetically drained him. There was another woman who showed compassion for him…at a time when he needed you to show compassion for him the most.
You remember when Sonny had finally worked up the courage to open up to you and say how he had prayed that it would be you who would be pregnant, that he deeply regret being with the other woman, that he wanted to start over again. You had secretly recorded the conversation with the thought of one day sending it to the other woman to hurt her.
“Aaron hates you because I threatened to leave him after he *cuked your *sty *ssy,” she says.
These are fighting words.
You smirk. You’ve been waiting for the fighting words to fight.
You just needed an excuse.
“He requested we do it raw. We always do it raw. In fact, towards last weeks before I left, he would tell me how his load would get me pregnant,” you text her back.
That did it for her.
You just turned up the flame from 60 to 250 degrees.
Cat’s claws are out.
Ding ding ding. Round 1.
“Just kill yourself,” she says in response.
“That’s not nice,” you respond. “I’ve tried twice, but God intervened.”
“Well third times a charm,” she says.
“Luckily, there is something called free will, so no, I think I’m good.”
Round 2! Ding, ding, ding.
“Why can’t you just leave us alone? Stay far away,” she says.
You found this to be quite funny considering that you are literally half way across the world from them.
“Come any closer and Aaron will sue you.”
Again, that little demon inside begins laughing.
I wish he would little girl.
Then, I’ll have an excuse to come back home and seal the deal with Aaron. He’ll get me pregnant, and I’ll start a family just how the other woman did it to me.
You reign that ugly little devil in.
“Aaron hates me for the same reason he wants to sue me,” you tell her. “He wants me back home, and if I do come back home, we’ll start a relationship together. I love him and he can’t stop thinking about me.”
There’s the uppercut.
“I’m warning you. If you come any closer…” she threatens.
You haven’t experienced someone threatening you in a very long time. The last time was at a parking lot when you were dating a dailo, a Russian/Chinese man, back when you were 19, and a woman disrespected him. When you said something, she threatened to start something. You had gotten right up to her face, took a deep inhale from your cigarette and blew the smoke right in her face to instigate her, hoping she would touch you first so the rest could be played off as defensive moves. She pushed you and that gave you the green light to beat her down.
And you beat her down.
She was on the floor by the time you were done with her.
You don’t remember the rest of the moves, but you do remember your first move. You grabbed her by the hair and shoved her head into your knees. Then your friend jumped in and the both of you were kicking her while she was down.
Then, when she didn’t move, you all got in your cars and pulled out right when you heard the sirens coming through.
That was the last physical fight you had gotten into over a man. That was over a decade ago, yet that little devil inside you never goes away. You can feel its evil coming up from within you. You’re currently in the process of producing the anti-venom from the toxic feminine spirit that’s been with you since 13. You’re in Montenegro for this very reason…soul-searching if you will, yet this girl whom you have never met before, still soul-tied to you, by a conflicted man, is now bugging you, halfway across the world to stop contacting him.
Soul-Tied Sisters through Sexual Union
Whatever dis-ease I have, you now have…sis….
Though you know that you both are battling the same Jezebel spirit, you have Aaron to thank for introducing your other ugly mirror—Amy.
She has every right to make a self-entitled request, as if she “owns” this human being, like a dog on a leash. The way she is going about it reminds you of one plantation owner telling the other plantation owner, get your own slave! This one’s mine.
If there is anything you have learned about manipulative, cunning, two faced, backstabbing women, it is that you do not stop fighting until the daemon is K.O.ed.
How do you fight a Jezebel spirit? You once asked a sage wearing a turban in the subway tunnels of New York.
You starve her passions. He says.
But there is something more than starvation.
Because if you’re not careful, you may also kill the host in the attempt to kill the Jezebel spirit.
No, there is a better way.
You have to transform the spirit by integrating the shadow with the divine feminine spirit.
This is how Mammacita did it. She told you that if it weren’t for her kids, she would have gone there. You remember attending her son’s birthday party and she had invited the first mother of the children to the daddy their kids both shared. It bedevils you that you are still uncomfortable with this notion of women getting along together while sharing the same man—like ancient Chinese practice of first, second, and third wives from a wealthy man. It still sickens you and you still think this as a perversion, yet…you’re becoming strengthened in the fight….in the spiritual fight.
Round Three. Fight!
“Your eggs are shriveled, you’re going through menopause,” she flings curses at you.
You deflect it with faith in Jesus.
In the power of Sarah’s story.
In the power of your faith in Jesus, when you’re rooted in His word, His heart, His spiritual mind.
It has to do with the divine feminine spirits—
From the naive women transformed into wise Mother Mary by the blessed birth of Jesus,
From the the whore transformed into life partner Mary by walking with Jesus,
From the sick woman with the blood problem into being completely healed, clean, and whole through her fierce faith in Jesus’ power.
These are all the secrets to transforming the toxic feminine.
This is how you transform the Jezebel.
It is only through the power of Jesus.
Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.
The way of Mother Mary in hope,
The truth in the life partner of Mary Magdalene in love,
The life of the unnamed sick woman made whole in faith.
These are the steps on how to transform the Jezebel spirit.
It’s not to fight, to feed, or to starve the Jezebel spirit.
No, it’s to transform the Jezebel through the hope, the love, and the faith in Jesus Christ to fight your battles against the Jezebel.
Hope. Activated through the ugly truth. “For now we see a reflection, as in a mirror…”
Love. Activated by love in action. “….then we shall see face to face…”
Faith. Activated by the pursuit. “…for now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”
If you’re going to tell the truth where it is most needed, go all the way.
The ugly truth about her and the ugly truth about yourself.
Go all the way.
The way of Shadow Integration is dangerous, because it can not be half-assed, it can not be done half-heartedly, you can not give up in the middle of its formulation, or Kali will swallow you whole and spit you out in her blood of fire, poison, and body parts of other victims.
To take on the Hero’s Journey of integrating the Jezebel spirit is to lean on the Holy Spirit’s power and to call upon the divine feminine of all three women blessed, inspired, and touched by Jesus.
Go all the way until the truth sets you all free.
You know she is envious of you. Something in your life has shifted her focus from self-absorption to self-love. It’s a different kind of fire—not the red fire of the Jezebel but now a red-blue fire—magenta fire….of a Jezebel transforming into the divine feminine. That’s the journey…the heroine’s journey…your heroine’s journey.
She is attracted to you in a healthy and sick way.
She thinks about you more than Aaron does and she has you in her thoughts more than she has Aaron in her thoughts nowadays.
It drives her a bit crazy, then she projects that crazy onto you as if you were the cause of her crazy.
No, baby girl. It is energy.
It is the supernatural.
It’s the Jezebel in you that you are not aware of.
Oh, but I am, baby girl, I am aware.
I’m aware of the Jezebel that harasses you and I’m aware of the Jezebel that harasses me. I’m aware of your shadows, for they are also my shadows, except I have 9 years over you, baby girl…. nine fucking years knowing this thing. This red and black thing. And I’m learning it like the machines are learning me.
Now that you two are soul-tied, there is a supernatural syncing, like AI in the cloud, but SI (spiritual intelligence) in the heavenly realms.
You’re going for her jugular… this thing.
This is the Jesuit way.
It is the Divine Feminine way.
This is bigger than you.
You must K.O. the Jezebel spirit stronghold over Amy.
The way you K.O. a Jezebel is to tell the whole truth…the good, bad, the ugly…and the super ugly.
It’s the only way she even has a chance in achieving her dreams with Aaron—family, kids, world travel, etc. She has to get rooted in Christ, but you can’t say it to her, because of the Jezebel stronghold that’s preventing truth from getting through to her. You must attack the Jezebel the way Trump attacked Hillary during the debates when he called her out on all the ugly truths by being openly ugly himself, so she can see the hidden shadows she secretly hides, on display, naked, for the world to see.
Trump knows how to integrate shadows.
Trump knows how to fight a Jezebel spirit.
You are reminded of the sword of the spirit, the orthodox cross that points upward…
You text Amy for the kill: “Aaron is attracted to me because I have something you currently don’t have…. authenticity.”
“…so if you want to work things out between you and Aaron, then I suggest you get your shit together.”
“You’re a psychopath,” she says.
You smile. This fires you up more. Because it’s true. And you enjoy it. You’re become the civil monster that Dr. Jordan Peterson was talking about— the serial killer that kills serial killers, the vampire that slays vampires (like Vampire D), the Jezebel spirit in you that kills Jezebel spirits in others.
In fact, psych means the soul, so a psychopath is the path of the soul.
You now go for the kill.
“You bring out the worst in him.”
“Just be a good woman to him or else I will.”
“I am a good woman to him.”
“You’re a toxic woman.”
“How dare you. You don’t know me.”
“You treat him like a dog. Stop trying to control his life.”
“You’ve cheated on Aaron multiple times, badmouthed him to all your friends behind his back, you put him down and made him feel less than. Whatever he does it’s never good enough for you. You’ve cuckold him. You’re self-absorbed, controlling, and manipulative. You deliberately flirt with other men just to make him feel jealous and inadequate, and you’re superficial as fuck.”
Yes, let me see your black blood bleed out. I want to see you break down so you can break open—open that hard shell of yours with the truth of what you’ve become.
The secrets you’re hiding.
Everybody sees it.
They are my ugly.
Now everybody knows.
May God find you at your rock bottom.
He’s been waiting for you.
Go to Him.
Shock is a Counter-Curse
The ugly truth is a counter-curse that creates Shock, which is the right amount of force needed to pierce through the thick cloud of black magic spells and self-induced life-lies she’s placed upon herself. She’s been spiritually sick, tied up, beaten, abused by her own judgements and criticisms, which is one of the most powerful plays of the Jezebel spell—self-condemnation and the inability to forgive herself.
The truth is…she can’t forgive herself. It’s not possible to do it alone.
The only way is through Jesus Christ.
He can take your sins away, should you be willing to humble down and ask.
Is Aaron worth it for you, Amy?
Are you willing to humble yourself down and admit the ugly truth about yourself so that you can salvage your future with him?
Because if you can’t, I will.
Oh, I will.
“Oh and Trump 2020.”
The final kick while she’s down.
The Second Counter-Curse: Witnesses
You screenshot and send all statements to Aaron so there is no way for Amy to try and manipulate the situation any further.
This is the second counter-curse. To bring in witnesses. This will pierce through the second curse over Amy—apathy. Or another way of putting it, ignoring the evidence, turning a blind eye, going back to sleep, back to disassociation, and pretend that it never happened.
No, you need witnesses, especially from all spiritual Adams, because spiritual Adams will cover you and her in the spiritual fight against Jezebel.
Next, you get down on your knees and prayed to Jesus for strength.
This all doesn’t make any sense, Jesus. My instinct is to just walk away from Aaron and say that he’s not worth the fight, but what if he is worth the fight? Because that fight is so familiar.
Stand in Love.
You’re telling me to just stand in love with Aaron.
Stand by your word, stand by your statement, “I love Aaron.”
The only way to truly win this war is through love and in love. The only way to truly transform the Jezebel spirits of you and your soul sister is to be in love.
How does God play a non-zero sum game?
What is your part?
To stand on your truth.
You told her that you love Aaron.
Do you love Aaron?
Well, do you?
Where have you been inauthentic?
When Aaron and you truly had something special and you had dismissed it as “love addiction,” when it was a genuine connection.
That’s the first thing you need to face.
It was fall time when you started falling for Aaron; at the time, you were deflated by Rylie’s returned love letters. A few months prior, Rylie had told you to stay away from him and get help after you told him you loved him only after two dates. Deflated, you had bought tickets to Europe…to hopefully find a life partner there…. at least to get away from Rylie so it doesn’t hurt too much.
You still attended church once a week—you’ve been attending this church for the past four years. You had a few months here in LA before you were ready to leave, but it was Roxy who went up to Aaron that evening at Churchome who drew your attention towards him. It was Aaron who told you the truth about himself from the start. “I came here to be an artist, but I wound up becoming a finance guy.” He hated the starving artist because he was that at one point. You understand his frustration. He hated himself. There was something about him that both repelled you and attracted you.
You were still thinking of Rylie when you were Aaron’s church friend.
Even when you invited him to meet Samuel J, but you cancelled.
Even when you invited him to your professional circle, and thought him as a young brother.
Even when you invited him to your business network, and thought him as a potential business associate.
It was the way he kept looking at you, fixed, like a man in awe.
It was the way he looked into your light brown eyes and saw the magenta spirit of your fire shining.
It was the way you articulated words that captured the current portrait of his spirit, but all he could do is say, “You’re a good writer.”
It was the way he looked at you—in hope? In mixed emotional torment? In melancholic love?
It changed when he made love to you.
He told you he was single when he touched you.
You trusted him.
Your conscience is clean.
Your eyes locked and you met him where his eyes are.
And you saw the eyes of your two friends who deeply loved you, but that you just couldn’t work yourself up to seeing them the same way—one friend shared the realm of the Gunslinger with you and the other friend shared the deepness of your tenacity in his deep listening and empathy for you during a few of your productions—you saw both your friends in Aaron’s eyes when he fit inside you, perfect lock and key.
He told you he was single. You made sure of that. Your conscious is clean.
He invited you to his place, he kept insisting, and while you wanted him to experience the agape love and miracle of Drinker’s Den, he wanted you to 13th step him.
That evening, after the dance, he wanted you to stay over.
He went inside to grab the parking permit, but when he came out, you left.
He texted you, in anger, in disappointment, in frustration.
You knew what he was up to. He wanted you in his bed. You wanted to be in his bed. The connection was fiercely locked in already, but you left, barely escaping that first evening.
You thought about the girl he was on and off with. You thought about showing up to Rylie’s home prior to leaving for Berlin to do one last breaking open to say you were sorry….for what? For loving him so soon? But Rylie threatened legal action against you. It was too manic. Too obsessive. Too hard, too deep, too overwhelming. No one person wants to be put on a pedestal and objectified into art.
And perhaps that’s how Aaron looked at you…as Art, to be objectified. Perhaps, you didn’t mind. Artists don’t mind. Because that is the way of shadow integration. Artists don’t mind becoming the punchline, because they’ve tapped into a deeper mystery….the mystery inside 1 Corinthians 13:12.
“For now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”
That evening you left, still a virgin to Aaron’s sexual advancements, yet still burning with lustful desires towards him.
You think he’s an idiot, and he is, but a compassionate idiot, an artist idiot, a lover, a fighter, a dreamer kind of idiot.
The American Idiot
“You’re breaking my heart. I don’t know how much of this I can take,” he tells you, when you left that evening.
You don’t know if he’s playing mind games or if he is being authentic with you. Something tells you he’s being authentic.
But you did cave in. It was the second evening after you left SLAA. You called him. He quickly picked up. He wanted to see you. He had a car. He was going to pick up a friend. You thought it odd. He was going to LAX when you had planned on going to LAX to clarify Roxy’s green light to Berlin.
You first met for food. You were there first, spotted an empty space, and he rushed in to take it. It was a dick move. He delighted in it the way you would delight in it. He wanted you in his room. You went. That evening you did the deed. Probably on the night he needed the car to go pick up his….ex-girlfriend or girlfriend?
The first time it was good, but it was also rushed. He did not want you to take a shower and wash it off. He wanted you to wear his scent. You were livid. You thought it disrespectful to have his seed all over your body without the wherewithal to wash it off, but he thought…Please just wear me for awhile. His actions said, I want to claim you, and it terrified you.
Under the Candlelight
When the two of you locked in a few nights later, you two finally took your time—body, mind, and spirit, a deeper part of your spiritual heart started awakening with it. A dead part of your soul, perhaps scarred and scorned, started to beat again. And it was deep—the love making. He had just the right gentle firmness about him.
He knew you were leaving. You told him the first day you met him that you are only here for a few months, but he was the only one who protested.
“So I’ll never see you again?”
You were surprised at his response. It was not something you heard from anybody else when you made the announcement to. It was only Aaron who felt this sense of panic, of world’s shifting, like a strange sadness. Not even your parents had this tone.
It was his raw honesty, urgency, and disbelief that gave you a second take on Aaron. He was not a younger brother. He was…an anomaly.
When you two cuddled, he asked, “Was it good?”
“Omg are you kidding me? It was great,” you said back, “It’s the kind that makes me want to become a wifey again.”
Sitting together in the parking lot after Churchome. Aaron was hoping Amy would change her heart and you were hoping that Rylie would change his mind. The two of you both took the Plan B.
It was Sunday morning when he serenaded patience and sorry to your heart. And that Sunday morning, when the two of you had woken up, he pulled you towards him for the kiss and you responded with your body. He was naked, curls down his chest, with a guitar next to him, and you pulled up close while he sang you two songs from his heart. You knew this was his way of apologizing for hurting you the week prior. And when you saw him naked, vulnerable, and singing, that’s when you fell in love with Aaron.
Now you’re in Montenegro, overlooking the cobalt blue of the baltic sea, over your second story balcony, and you realize that both you and Aaron chose to take Plan B at a time when God wanted the two of you to choose God’s Plan A. You walk out to the balcony and the Sun/Son is shining, and you see a father holding his two year old son. He places him on the floor and his son crawls towards him, in training. You observe the look on the father’s face. He is proud, joyous, and profoundly connected with the spirit of love. You realize now that all Adams will experience the profound power of the producer through the connection of being the father and their child. You realize that you have made a profound impact on your own father’s heart by sheer virtue of existing. He takes his son up in his arms and smiles. The son smiles back. They are locked in sheer bliss and you are listening to Judah Smith about connecting with God even when you don’t feel connected. You are on your knees facing Roxy who is sleeping serenely on the balcony. You look in the reflection of your glass balcony door and the silhouette looks like you with a swollen belly but it was the angle of the jacket that made it look that way. Behind the silhouette is the deep blue of the Baltic sea.
You realize that the energy inside this condo is solar, sunny, a blend of yellow and orange. You think about Rylie’s orange cat and Foxy’s orange glaze. You think of Rylie’s blue eyes. You miss his blue eyes. You are not a meditator, but you meditate today…the best you could meditate anyhow. You remember Rylie meditating. You are sure he’s good at it. You walk down to the bottom steps of this private beach. It is just you and a Russian family sharing this entire building. The blue ocean sings to you and you feel the spirit of the divine trinity of three blessed women, moved, touched, and inspired by Jesus Christ. They counsel you both in rushed excitement and fair warnings, chastised in love.
Your heart chakra is still hyperactive. You must learn how to control all that energy, hold long enough so you can focus on the precise direction where you will blow it. Blown in the right direction and you will be a formidable and fierce force in the fight. You can do it through the discipline of patience and kindness towards yourself. Never apologize for your truth—good, bad, and ugly. Never take it personally when someone else projects their good, bad, and ugly, because it is also within their spiritual star to contain, wrestle, and transform.
You start dancing and listening to Rylie’s song for you—the song you heard about the future woman you will become—the beautiful woman Sonny, Green Eyes, and Rylie hoped you would bloom into one day.
Your Hair Still Falls
When Amy texted you a picture of Aaron, some months ago, his expression looked both trapped and lost in thought. You knew he was thinking of you in that picture. Your hair still falls on his floor, even when you haven’t been there for six months, and each strand he finds brings ghosts of you into his sphere.
When you told Aaron that he was your second choice, it hurt him. He knew this to be true. But you also knew that you were his second choice.
You stayed away from Aaron because you did not want to be caught in a love triangle, yet even halfway across the world, you are still connected with both Amy and Aaron. You went to Europe because you took Rylie’s advice for you to get help.
You came to reflect, rest, and re-set.
You know deep soul searching is tough work.
“The problem with curing the mind with the mind is that it’s still the mind that’s figuring out how to solve itself.”
You paraphrase David Mamet.
You are creating a program that could transform a tragedy into a love story, but that needs to come from sitting alone, sitting with God, sitting with the silence of just being.
Alexandr Solzhenitsyn was sitting in a cell, contained, in the Gulag Archipelago… And you…well…you chose Montenegro, in a luxury condominium…better to be proactive right?
You have a shadow to integrate.
You must integrate the shadow.
You have to work through your own labels and isms, from childhood to real time. You went to Berlin to heal your trauma drama, because that was what had stopped you and Rylie from going further. You drank and had sex with another man in your industry …it was the first night you saw him that became the first night you cheaply fucked on a beach. It left you feeling unsatiated. It was short…you traded the long term for the short term…a few days before meeting Rylie. You figured that if you were not going to come off slutty to him, you had to get your rocks off some way first so you can pretend like you’re the angel you’re not. But the guilt ate at you. Poisoned your lips the first time he kissed it. You knew you were poison ivy to him. Because you were drinking again, and you acted like a mean-spirited, ugly big sister, this time in front of all your friends and all your sister’s friends at the showcase you produced that your sister helped bring half the audience for you. When Rylie rejected you in Portland, that was when you started breaking apart. When the graphic designer and the illustrator started pulling out, you knew it was time to clean up. Rylie was right. You were spiritually sick. People were starting to see how crazy you can really be. Your insistence, your unfiltered thinking, your sharp tongue cuts people, and you just go for the jugular. You know exactly what to say to hurt people. You have a gift for that. Something in seeing Trump cut into people’s bullshit also empowered you seek the anti-hero path in shadow integration.
You told Mysty that you were going to be face to face in spiritual warfare at Mount Shasta. You will be in compassion with a woman who had fallen out of faith with Jesus, and turned to Burning man, in the circus of magic, Wiccan, and witchcraft….deep magic, and you will be asking Holy Spirit to guide you in the face to face…it’s compassion that is the weapon of spiritual warfare…deep compassion…and while sitting in front of her, you heard the depths of hell and heaven sing to both of you in the face to face moment. You heard the power of the “face to face” mystery. It is about feeling the pain through a real experience inside her story when she shared of a love voided, you heard the love between you and Rylie, voided, but more so, you heard why…you heard her part in it without her actually saying it…you know because you were there at the places where the spirits placed the traps, and you’ve fallen into it so many times…the more you think you’re helping, the more you’re pushing…the Chinese Finger Traps is the key to solving the puzzle of spiritual warfare and freedom. While she broke her heart open, you heard your song in her singing. You think of what deepness the weight and the burden of compassion Rylie holds in the space of her share.
The dark humor as medicine for his pains.
The music he plays…black and blue, bold and blue, the deep blue.
And his red burns came from the burns inflicted by a woman mind controlled by the red rage of the Jezabel.
His forearm scarred by the burn of her fire.
His deep blues.
His black soul
From the scorn of the Jezabel’s red,
Yet there is still light in those moments.
There’s always a light.
Wake up Eves.
Stop burning our fallen men.
Stop kicking dogs when they are already down.
You’ve got to mock the jezabel towards the jezabel.
Kick the jezabel while she is down, break her, break her, break her until she cracks open.
The beatings all Adams take on in the fear, rooted in Fallen eve.
Protect Original Eve.
That is God’s command to Original Adam.
Product Fallen Eve.
That is Satan’s command to fallen Adam.
It was up to you to truly listen to the fallen angels through the experience of “be here now…” The fallen angels have taken a liking to you and so has the order. Holy Spirit is with you when you are scared. You are already in the rabbit hole, Alice. Listen to this woman who was practicing witchcraft through the deep listening to her why, and in the deep empathy when you heard the suffering of Adams and all Adams, including Rylie, in the story of the lover she lost, you heard her song, the song of the fallen angels.
We fell because we couldn’t let our friend suffer alone.
You had told Mysty that you discovered the hidden mystery in the “Face to face” and you asked her to pray over you. Once the all seeing eye sees, it cannot unsee, and once you have the second spiritual eye sharpened, it refuses to fall asleep, numb, disassociate—the only way now is to re-associate the disassociated pieces.
You need courage. There is no other way. You ask God for courage. The road is narrow for each who take on the Heroine’s Journey. Now that you are on the karmic number 13, you have to be super vigilant in your action. And when you don’t know what to do, you don’t do anything.
You wait on God.
The Original Gentiles of God, darkened by the Son, rooted in the Blood of the Original Eve, guides you through Mysty’s bloodline.
The Road of Perdition Transforming
Throughout the two months you stayed in Berlin, you kept seeing signs of both Rylie and Aaron everywhere. Aaron was on your mind every waking day and Rylie was locked tightly in your heart and given some room to breath at night. You attended SLAA for two months, got a sponsor, and while going into the self-work, you realized that you were both a love addict and a love anorectic. Yet, it was Aaron who called you when you were at the ER. It was Aaron who handed the keys over to your friend when you requested the handover. It was Aaron who called you out on having a poor mentality, it was Aaron who wanted you to continue your journey of blooming into the woman you know God wants you to become. But this Europe trip is divinely appointed…You are tuning into the divine feminine here and he keeps on wanting you to come home, and you want to tell him, not yet.
God calls, you go.
“Face to Face”
The two of you were also locked into the same covert narcissist dynamic. You saw it by the way he was treating you—with love and fear—and you finally saw your ugly self in a darkly mirror by the times he projected. The last time he projected, you just listened, but listened deep knowing that those were all scripts that he was fed all throughout his life. Scripts that he needed to get rid of because his soul knew most were lies rooted in fear. Now you can understand why the men you’ve dated, flirted with, seduced were terrified of you when they got too close. You had spoken from that same fear and that same projection.
When he says, “Your hair is everywhere. I have to clean it up every time you know.”
Holy Spirit helps you see that his soul is saying:
“Please don’t leave. I’m useful. I can help you.”
When he says, “You need to get a real job.”
Holy Spirit helps you see that his soul is saying:
“I’ve been told all my life that the passions I loved pursuing were not worth anything and I want you home, next to me.”
When he says, “Don’t bring Roxy around. I’m allergic.”
Holy Spirit helps you see that his soul is saying:
“I still haven’t processed the deep grief of losing my best buddy a few years ago and seeing how you and Roxy bond together triggers wounds that have not been processed within me yet.”
When he says, “I hate that dog,” referring to Roxy,
Holy Spirit helps you see that his soul is saying:
“I miss my dog.”
When he says, “I can’t go to Rome with you. I have a family to support.”
Holy Spirit helps you see that his soul is saying:
“I feel guilty because I had promised Amy that I would take her traveling around the world, and if she sees that I’m with you in Rome, this would crush her.”
What you know is that the three of you are all battling the same toxic feminine spirit, specifically Amy is currently blind to it through her pride and you are refining the Jezabel through your crazy faith in God’s ways and God’s ways for you to integrate the shadow is to pwn your own ugly by revealing it in fiction whilst mocking the shadow by acting the fool…You and Amy are battling Jezabel and Aaron battling Ahab…in fact, if this were a Jezabel competition, you’d win the fight even if both of them combined the powers together cause you’ve just had more experience being manipulative, double-minded, and controlling…you’ve had more soul-ties than both of them combined, and you’ve hurt more people along the way, and yet, for some crazy reason, God is working through you to play a non-zero-sum game. All parties are guilty and all parties are still sanctified under the grace of Jesus. This opportunity helps you with the Origins of Spiritual intelligence story…specifically what was the evil that actually occurred that led to the separation between God and Lucifer.
Narcs triangulate wishing to obtain a result that they covet, but the triangulation itself is going off the mark because it is a dishonest means of obtaining said result that actually works against the triangulator.
Lucifer coveted God’s Goodness
Lucifer triangulated God with the heavenly angels wishing that God would see Lucifer the way Lucifer thought God saw the other heavenly angels.
Lucifer’s hidden desire is to obtain God’s goodness when in the eyes of God and the heavenly angels, he is already good.
It’s when I’m trying, that I’m not.
It’s when I’m not trying and just being, that I am.
The disassociation is not that Lucifer does not have God’s goodness, it is that he believes he does not have God’s goodness, so he lied to compensate for the perceived gap.
The curse is in the lie itself.
Once a lie is formulated, a life-lie is acting upon the lie as if it were true. This is called a curse.
A triangulation is the presence of impatience to obtain the result of the hidden desire of the heart.
The hidden desire is always good.
Just like Lucifer’s hidden desire to obtain God’s Goodness is good.
But the way of obtaining the hidden desire matters.
Life becomes meaningful when the way is through love…love defined…
Love is patient and love is kind.
Kindness is truth…the whole truth…the good, the bad, the ugly.
Love is patient…patient with what?
In your case…patient with Rylie.
It may take a few years before he contacts you.
In Aaron’s case…patient with Amy.
It may take a few years before she gets it…although the interaction you had with her catalyzed her in getting it. Sometimes, it has to take competition for the complacency, entitlement, and possession begin to end and it takes a dose of hard truth to start the painful process of metamorphosis.
In Amy’s case…patient with Aaron to be that multimillionaire so she can continue living the lifestyle that her daddy provided for her. She’s the kind of girl you had taught in the private schools…the idealistic, the one lost in the bubble, the rebel without a cause…she’s you when you grew up in your upper middle class suburban two story house on a hill in a community called Belgate where your first car was daddy’s “old” BMW 325.
You are daddy’s little girl and so is Amy and of course daddy must spoil her daughter so Aaron is only sleeping 3 hours a day, high on coke, trying to rush towards that expectation that Amy has set for him, while she’s impatiently pressuring him to get rich quick so they can start this idealistic Instagram-rich family already. Even if it means working Aaron to death.
You triangulated Rylie with Aaron wishing that Rylie would miss you and want you the way Aaron misses you and wants you.
Aaron triangulated you with Amy wishing that Amy would transform her heart to be more authentic like you.
Amy triangulated Aaron with “richer” men wishing that Aaron would become that rich man already so she can have the lifestyle that is revealed on your Instagram.
(Little does she know that you are running on God’s help on a salary that is ⅓ of what you used to make as a teacher through the secret of “God takes care of your needs not your greeds” faith).
Little do both Aaron and Amy know that you are able to do this because you have put God first in your journey, even at the expense of being labeled “psycho” or “crazy,” you would rather discover your full authentic self—swim the four seas with your soul-skin—then to wear that tight suit, smile that tight mask, carrying that tight voice so you can “be worthy” in the eyes of society.
You are already worthy in the eyes of God.
You hope that Aaron downloads the Churchome app and continue watching the stories even though he no longer attends Churchome…it’s still too painful to be there while you are gone. It is a reminder that you actually existed…that you weren’t some girl in a wet dream.
Does he still exist?
You call his phone. Straight to voicemail.
You switched Google numbers. Again straight to voicemail.
Is he okay?
God, please, look after Rylie. Please, please, please keep him alive.
You email him.
You leave voicemails.
You send him letters in the mail.
The only thing you had not done was actually show up at his place.
He told you he moved.
But what if he lied?
What if he is still living in Starry Terrace, where the two of you first kissed?
You remember accidentally exiting the freeway where he lived when you were trying to drive Serena back home that evening from USC to her place in Culver City.
Covert Narcissism and the Jezebel Spell
The problem with covert narcissism is that when someone truly starts loving someone dealing with covert narcissism, defined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, in patience and kindness, they’ll dismiss it, disengage, and disarm it through exploitation of that love—they’ll make this love functional, as if used as a tool to serve some personal end. And if you become abusive, rebellious, and hateful, that’s when they shower positive reinforcement—it is the inverse of love. The worst part of covert narcissism is the gaslighting techniques—where criticism, judgement, and shaming/blaming is then called ‘love strengthening’ when it’s actually projected from hidden shame and unprocessed wounds…and actual empathy, compassion, and non-judgemental listening is called ‘weak,’ and dismissed as “too emotional” or “too much work….I don’t got time for this…” Covert narcissism is rooted in the toxic feminine—again, the Jezebel spirit, or disassociated Eve.
Then there’s the triangulation to get attention and affection from others; you’ve done it, he’s done it, Amy’s done it. You now realize that there are three covert narcs effectively locked into a love triangle battle, yet, the battle is bigger than the three of you combined. There is something God and the heavenly angels are trying to solve through this conundrum—the key is in the three divine female archetypes—the Virgin, the Whore, the Sick into the Wise, the Partner, the Whole, respectively, by, through, and from the Blood of the Worthy Lamb.
How do you free three souls from the bondage of the Jezabel?
You have to transform the Jezabel…
through the blood of the worthy lamb.
It has to be through love.
That’s the only way to transform the toxic feminine into divine feminine.
Now that all three all soul-tied, it is the perfect setup in transforming all three lives, to free them of the bondage of self.
So that all three may do Thy will, on heaven as it is on earth.
Love is the answer. God showed me the why of existing in 2013, the Bible showed me the what in 1 Corinthians 13, and the visit to Auschwitz and reading Victor Frankl’s book, “Man’s Search for Meaning” showed me the how. I’m ready to continue writing the Producer’s Playbook. I’m holding myself accountable here and now.