“I don’t like to gamble but if there is one thing I like to bet on, it’s myself”
Fiction. Based on a True Battle With Myself.
by Noah Taylor
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
I feel like I am meant to embrace this immense integrity and precision about the work I do. I am afraid to be stuck, and that makes me very dependent on the opinions of those around me. I am now realizing that I do not need a lot of assistance from others. It’s just that I do not know how to own my need to create and proudly claim my place on this Earth. I keep getting distracted in my pursuit of writing because I understand that pursuing writing is meaningful work and I let that intimidate me. I understand that to keep uncovering my talent for writing and to dedicate myself to my work will lead to my liberation, but liberation is terrifying when your biggest fear is being vulnerable. I know there is a part of me that is extremely complex. I know that by following the beat of my own drum and truly listening to my own instincts will align myself with my goals. I really do not want my sense of value to be based on temporary things: wealth, status, or popularity. I want to live my life according to my own rhythm. The intensity I have is reflected in the capacity I have to notice details around me that others ignore. I set immensely high standards for myself, and work really hard to meet those goals. Sometimes I struggle to relate to this part of myself. It is terrifying to put so much pressure on my potential, even though I have the tools to overcome that pressure and achieve my full potential. Writing is my calling because of how sacred and ancient it’s been to history. When humans finally kill the earth all that’s going to be left of our species is our documents and art. I want one of those documents and some of that art to be mine. How do I embrace my independent, unconventional side and do things my own way? I feel like I complicate things so much by how intense I am, and to recover from that means I need to set aside time to reflect and process what I want from this life. I want to be a perfectionist so bad, but everything I do is so far from perfect. My writing feels forced at times, and uninteresting. I can hardly keep my sleep cycle in check. I am either overworked and burnt out, or lazy and unproductive. I need to find write in a way that provides order and meaning to my life. I am definitely obsessive and overly critical. But that also means that I can clearly see where things can be improved.