“The tarot card reader asks me what I am looking for, and I tell her, I guess… I guess… I am in a period of intense change. I am in a transitional period of my life. And I guess I just want to know if there is hope for the future. (What I really want to say to her is, I want to know if I’ll ever be happy. If it is worth it to stick around and see if things will work out. If the bad shit will keep happening. )
She’s holding my hand, and her eyes are closed. She looks so calm, so peaceful, and it all feels ridiculous to me. I am trying to concentrate, but on what? I don’t know what to think about, so I look around nervously. And then she says… I am feeling that you are a very light, airy being. Very white and very, very pure.
Disbelief.
Maybe she was not finished or maybe she read this in my face because she then continued, I imagine that, being this way, you do not travel through this world unscathed.” – Jin

Philautia

Fiction. Based on a true reflection.

By Bry LeBerthon

This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.

it is a warm summer night, mid august, almost 11PM.
you are in your new apartment.
stories upon stories away from the ground,
miles and miles away from your family home,
tentative and excited and so so unsure.
so so scared.
you have no idea what the next few months will bring.
you go to your new bathroom,
stare into the mirror without turning on the lights
you see, through the shadows, yourself.
young, and anxious, and trembling.
broken hearted for the first time in her life.
you’re not sure, but the wetness on her cheeks suggests she’s crying,
your knowledge of yourself confirms you’re probably right.
shes so young, so so so young,
and so still are you.
she still has so much more to discover- the worlds of therapy, of one night stands, of true platonic love.
the tiles of the bathroom floor are ice cold beneath your feet.
you step into the shower.

you are still stories away from the ground,
stories away from home.
but it is getting increasingly hard for you to catch your breath.
You are in the most wonderful city in the US,
maybe even in the world,
surrounded by beauty and chaos and joy,
so deeply in love with the life you’ve been blessed to live,
and it is far too much.
you have never been this happy before.
you have never been this busy in your life.
you have never had this many people trust in you,
this many people rely on you,
and though it is beautiful,
and though you never want it to end,
you desperately, desperately, need everyone to just
stop.
remember: you are still learning.
you are better than you ever were before, but not the best you can possibly be.
there is room to learn! and room to grow! and room to be closer to who you want to be
just as there is room to fail.

you stare into the mirror once again.
this time, the lights are on.
you see yourself,
flighty and stressed out,
present and new.
youre surrounded by objects and materialism,
ghosts of your past,
judgement and concern,
but you are still you.
you smile and wink at your reflection.
flirt with her like just another stranger.
she is so much older now,
but still so very young,
and so, just as before, are you.
you still have so much more to discover.
the bathroom tiles are still cold beneath your feet.