“Past Pain Present.” Fiction. Based on a True Shattering

“Your mind goes back to that state of being, almost a year ago now, disjointed from the world…. never more detached, never more alone, wondering if you could ever come back together.”

Bry LeBerthon

“Past Pain Present”

Fiction. Based on a True Shattering.

By Leanna Glenn Markham

This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.

Only the mind can travel backwards in time.
The heart–
complicated by endless threads
and passageways–
cannot shoot straight to the past.
The body, though it can grow stronger
or more slack,
refuses such simplicity.
With all its powers to
Assess, analyze, sift, and debate,
The mind recalls–
taking a bullet train
to a scented moment or
quaint carriage ride
to a sweet season.
Or, the mind can call up deepest agonies,
wringing tears and sweat
out of things dissolved into years long gone
or a recent as the page
torn off yesterday’s calendar.
Part of me wants to
insist my mind force the past into
this breathing second.
To make what was my is.
But that is to fear the present,
to mock the future.

Do I want that?
Do I?

I shake my head,
wondering why dry leaves
still cling to my hair.
Present pain is a free ticket
to somewhere new,
fresh as blood from a cut
and water from a mountain stream.
I take my pain in my hands
and carry it today.
Tomorrow it may be less.
Tomorrow, I’ll have seen more,
Inhaled more, healed more.

Leave a Reply

Write a comment