“I am so tired of hurting.”
Fiction. Based on a True Experience.
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.
Maybe, there’s no one on the planet who’s getting away without pain right now. Even my friend’s husband, who loves staying home with the kids and never leaving the house, is facing marriage counseling sessions. So his life isn’t perfect either.
Actually, I can imagine a forest ranger who lives by herself whose life hasn’t changed. It goes along in the same solitary way, the only variation being the news and what she hears of the experiences of others. But even that person probably felt the sadness of not gathering with anyone on Thanksgiving.
So no, no one could possibly be free of some pain from the coraonavirus. We are all in it. We are all In the It.
What I am going through is separate from any effects of the virus, but it might not be a coincidence that it’s happening now. My summer crisis was so horrible I must believe that kind of healing only happens once.
I resent that my summer crisis wasn’t the end of my pain. After a lifetime of chronic depression, why was a fireworks of anxiety not the end of suffering? Why don’t I get to pass on to the regular daily pain of others: mourning actual loss and worrying about real possibilities, etc? No, my mood disorder has doubled to two mood disorders that continue to flap and flame completely unattached to anything happening in real life. Depression and anxiety come and go, come and go. So it was before the virus. So it is during the virus. But so it better not be for long.