“It’s only just making me miserable to prisoning me”
By Elsa Kennedy
Fiction. Based on a True Numbness.
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.
Sometimes you feel so empty, so empty you can’t find anything inside of you. Nothing.
Nothing to make you want to come out of bed, nothing to make you want to eat, nothing to make you want to bathe. Nothing.
You hear screams, you think they’re directed at you. Normally, you’d be crying or screaming back. Yet, you’re doing nothing. You don’t even hear the screams anymore. Numbness. Numbness.
You smile. This is what you wanted. Numbness.
You couldn’t take the sadness anymore, the anger, the fear, the heaviness.
Sadness—why are you sad?
You don’t know, but sometimes sadness hits you like a tsunami and overflows your insides. You don’t know what has triggered your sadness. But you know your sadness triggers everything else. It triggers the anger, the fear, the heaviness.
You’re angry—why? Because you’re sad. You don’t want to be sad, you want to be fucking good. For once in your life, you want to feel like something is going okay. You want to break everything in your path if it means getting the sadness out of you.
Yet, you’re afraid. You’re afraid of the anger and the fear because it means the heaviness is coming. It means you’re going to feel all the heaviness soon and it will feel like it’s swallowing you whole.
Well, it has swallowed you whole, and you’re in the worst part, the numbness. You like it, it makes you feel somewhat okay. But in the back of your mind, you know this is just the beginning.
The numbness will make you do things you’ll regret, it’ll make you feel worse before you start to get better.
Please, feel better.