“Depression and anxiety come with being”
By Jane Holiday
Fiction. Based on a True Battle With Myself
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.
If bodies could speak, what would they say?
Would they say they’re in the absence of love?
Would they say they need a certain nutrient?
Would they say they need exercise?
If my body could speak, it would ask for help.
If my body could speak, it would tell me to breathe.
It would say it’s okay to have anxiety, but I have to breathe through it.
It would say I need to try at least.
If my body could speak, it would tell you all the times I’ve manipulated it into thinking it was okay.
It would receive pills and caffeine to trick it into working.
It would say the pills are doing more harm than good.
If my body could speak, it would scream to get up.
It spends most of its time on a sofa. Or on a bed.
It gets weaker with every day it doesn’t move.
If my body could speak it would tell you all the times I’ve been touched.
It would say his touch burned me.
It would say my touch breaks it.
It would say it’s trying to heal but I keep opening the same scars.
It would scream for me to stop.
If my body could speak, it would tell you it’s being beaten.
Beaten by its owner.
It would say it wants to work with my brain.
But my brain is on a whole other state.
If my body could speak, it would say it’s ready to work.
I’m just not.
I don’t listen to my body.
I listen to my brain.
Right now, they’re not working together.
I can’t seem to get them to stop fighting.