“We have to love with all our heart and that whole expression that your heart is with someone else: and that’s beautiful and romantic, but, a little bit of your heart has to be with you, otherwise, how are you going to love yourself?” – Samuel J
Fiction. Based on a True Healing.
by Charlotte Thomas
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255
Letting go. That’s what it’s all about, right? Once you leave someone, letting go is what you have to get to. And that, by far, is the hardest thing to do. Harder than I would ever have imagined. And letting go is something I can’t do if I keep thinking about you. So, however much it pains me, I have to cut you off. I have to tell myself that this isn’t something I can afford.
I have to go on and pretend like the remainders of you don’t still exist in the pictures on my phone, and in the small gifts and memories you gave me, and the stale feeling I have when I wake in the morning with the knowledge that you have been in every dream I’ve had for the past month.
I want to feel bitter. Because I would have wanted to at least try and stick it out until you came back. I wanted to drop you off at the airport and go visit you and be there at the gate when you come back. And I’d drive you home, and you’d be jetlagged and although you wanted to stay awake for me, you would fall asleep in the car. I want to hate you for leaving and going to see the world, but in my heart, I know I can’t. I know that would be unfair of me and holding on to those bitter feelings would only make things worse.
It wasn’t very long, but found myself in love with you. Some would say that I am romanticizing what was between us, but even then, I knew how I felt about you. I knew that your eyes and your smile made my heart race, and your stupid jokes and teasing made me laugh, and I couldn’t help but smile when your arm went around me. And I remember that I turned down the radio when you fell asleep on our drive even though they were my favorite songs, and I remember that I almost fell asleep on your shoulder during my favorite movie, and I didn’t pay attention in my lectures because I was texting you.
So, only in the interest of self-preservation, I let you go. I force myself to stop thinking of you, I force myself to stop dreaming of you, I force myself to move on, and I force myself to stop crying over you. Because that’s what I have to do. That’s what it takes to get over you.