“It’s Always in June”
Fiction. Based on a True Depressive Episode.
by Noah Taylor
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Aggression, hostility, discontentment, anxiousness, irritability, depression, worthlessness, emptiness, loneliness, regret. Anger, aggression, hostility, discontentment, anxiousness, irritability, depression, worthlessness, emptiness, loneliness, regret: these emotions cycle through my head over and over and over and over again throughout the day, intensely overwhelming and encompassing me, wrapping its suffocating arms around me and smothering me whole. I am alone. In this large city with its winding, unyielding, confusing, tree lined streets filled with strange, animated people. I sit in my bathtub, I sit on my couch, I lay on my bed, I lay on the floor. I get up and walk around the park because everyone is telling me that when the winter comes I will be wishing I was active as often as I could. The clouds are coming. The rain and constant drizzle. All I want to do is just sit inside. I pick up my pipe, light it, and smile as the smell of my favorite flower blooms into my peach colored apartment. The life I moved to is immediately better than the one I left, but the one I left was my home. I imagine this is how snakes feel when their owners rip off their molting skin, thinking it will help the process of change, but only causing unfathomable, relentless pain to the animal.
Occasionally, more emotions are thrown into the mix such as sometimes disappointment, frustration, and restlessness. I feel these emotions weave in and out of my day in that order or in a complicated, inconsistent rhythm. These feelings are the most apparent when I have a full day off, and no one that I truly wish to be around is free to distract me from all of the discomfort that I am feeling. Usually being alone with nothing to do, and no schedule to follow is how everything begins. Where’s Hannah? My best friend with the ambiance of a warm, soft blanket; With her eager golden retriever puppy that I love with my whole heart, curled at her feet or snuggled into her arms. She had just moved into her boyfriend’s house, we finally had the best place to hang out together. My boyfriend and hers love each other like brothers and worked together as such. The structure and comfort they provided to our lives living only twenty minutes away was ripped out from under us when we drove out of Flagstaff.
Frustration, anger, and maliciousness usually coexist loudly in my brain and are triggered by the slightest irritable inconvenience, and occasionally appear interchangeably in twos. It doesn’t really matter how they come to exist in my brain, it could literally be from anything: someone driving poorly; remembering a frustrating thing that happened earlier in the month, week, or day; remembering or experiencing an injustice; feeling frustration towards friends for situations that I have anxiously overanalyzed. Reflecting upon the honesty of my entry from last June, I notice that nothing has changed, but everything has. The anti-depressants make it so that I can marvel at the intensity of the storm raging around me without engaging with it. God bless you, Fluoxetine. You’ve gifted me with an apathy that can only be achieved through altering the deepest part of consciousness within my brain. I am in pain, but I can carry with me one faltering lightbulb to keep me warm and illuminate the hurricane of depression whipping around in the forefront of my brain. How different of a place I was in last year; but why must it always happen in June?
These truths usher in worthlessness, helplessness, emptiness, and loneliness in a depressive state. If I were a better person, I would not be so angry towards everything. I am worthless at this point, I will just cause pain and sadness to my children. I will eventually hurt Kevin, and Kevin will mentally abandon me because I am too much to bare. Horrible thoughts come from nowhere, and most of these words have no evidence for them so I am often even more hurt and confused by them: “It will just get worse as you get older. It always goes dark before it goes black. You could hurt Kevin, and it could result in a divorce. You could wound your children, and they will end up just like you. I hold the battered lightbulb that continues to light the way around me. I exist both within the peacefulness of my peach colored apartment and the dark hurricane of my brain, and can easily slip out of each into the other like liquid from a bottle. Why do I always exist in two places at once during the month of June?
This is why no one wants to be friends with you, and why you always have to push them away. You are just too much. You are just too aggressive, too invasive, too abrasive, too intense to have any real, life long friends. No one can help you out of this, but yourself and you put yourself here so what does that mean for you. There are so many things wrong with you, but no one will tell them to you. They all think it and say it when you are not there, that is why you can’t trust anyone. Can you blame them? This is not anyone’s fault but your own.” The pain from all of these depressing feelings angers me because I feel like it is not fair that I get to see all of these women around me who do not have to deal with such intense feelings so heavily associated with their baggage all the time. What is wrong with me, why am I like this? Why is it like this, why do I have to have these things wrong with me? And then I am back to feeling anger, frustration, irritability and maliciousness again. I flinch as these aggressive thoughts force my consciousness back into my stoned body that lounges in my peached colored apartment. Why does it always have to be in June?