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“Where do you go from here?

Into oblivion.

Where no one 

can hurt you

except yourself.” – Gracie

“I went downhill

at such steep inclines

that my rearview mirror showed me only the sky

and i laughed about it all night

and i said hey man, isnt it poetic

that the sky is what we leave behind” – Lincoln, Downhill

I’ll love you.

Fiction. Based on a true best friendship.

By Bry LeBerthon

This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.

I can’t even understand myself

so I can hardly expect you to.

And yet

I love you so fully

so completely

that I do. 

It’s the codependency, 

I know.

The attachment, 

the grief,

residual trauma,

I know

I know 

I know. 

And yet

when this happens

when I am burdened by your humanness and you are lost again by mine

I wonder

if perhaps

it’s really me. 

 

I can’t explain to you why it is I ache so badly

I can’t even tell you when I’m in pain

so why is it that I’m here again

staring out at city lights

wondering if,

no, wishing that

they could stare back?

 

And I don’t know if it’s you or me. 

I know I’m damaged, I’m not sure who’s damaging. 

And I long for you to know, 

I yearn for you to see,

crying for help in every conversation,

begging for love behind a screen,

before you hang up and I am left to face myself.

 

I wonder:

even if I am loved,

is there is someone for me in this vast, vast universe

who can make me feel like I am? 

Do I ask for too much?

Or do you give too little?

Is it evil of me to yearn for more?

 

Tell me, 

city skylines,

where do I fall in the grand equation

the choreographed dance that is your busy streets?

I long for you, and we are meant to be

even while we’re starcrossed

separated by leagues and leagues of sky

And I’ll love you

even while I’m being pathetic

even once I’m gone.

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