“I Want to Be a Blade of Grass” Fiction. Based on a True Existential Dread.

“There were times when I wished I was a blade of grass… [or] a rock.”- Andrea Saenz

“I Want to Be a Blade of Grass”

Fiction. Based on a True Existential Dread.

by Nikki Wicz

This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Sometimes I want
To be a blade of grass
Succumbing to the
Ambition of wind.

I want to be a rock
That gets buried by
A child’s hands, a time
Capsule that’ll never
Be dug up.

I want to be heartless
Because everything
I’ve loved, has found a way
To be hated.

And maybe, I’ve never
Had a heart, but a stone
That beats dust into
My still veins.

The moments of love
I’ve had were placebos
Created by expectation.
I want to love this pen
That fails me, and this
Notebook that remains
Empty.

I want to love a person
Who reads my words and
Knows what I’m trying to say
While I flounder to say it.

I got close once, but then
My brain started to pick him apart
Until he was just shards
Of happiness swept
In the dust pan of frustration.

I have a harem of books
From therapy shopping and
Ennui, waiting, like virgins,
On my shelves.

Even if I know
That I will never read them,
To get rid of them would mean
To throw myself away.

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