“Being happy that you had that time with them.”
“I Saw You.”
Fiction Based on a True Dream.
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
I saw you last night in my dreams. You were gorgeous, as always. You were dressed in a blouse and a skirt made by you, with a floral pattern and your little gold hoop earrings you always wore when you we’re going out. You had your special occasion purse too. Your white hair was combed to the side with no hairs out of place. You were dancing and having the time of your life. You didn’t have a bad knee anymore. You were laughing uncontrollably. Then you sat and started eating bread, the unique way you do, with your little cup of coffee.
I wake up with a smile. I swear I can smell your maja soap. A tear escapes. I want to fall asleep again just see you but dreams don’t work that way do they? It’s been a year without you and my head still can’t comprehend that you’re not here. I cry and feel this wave of sadness crashing down on me.
You made life so much fun. My favorite childhood memories were the times I played with you. You taught me how to play bingo, checkers, dominoes and so many more fun board games. You would make costumes for me and my dolls. You would get so many toys and we’d play with each and every one of them. I don’t know how you had the patience to play with me all afternoon.
Even as an adult, when I had stress and felt overwhelmed, I would sit with you and just talk. You’d let me go on and on, sometimes about the same things, but you just listened. You always held my hand and told me it would be okay, that everything passes. But this grief still hasn’t passed grandma, what do I do now?
I miss you so much. Everytime I step into your house I still go into your room. I still greet you like you are there. I still see you in your chair watching t.v. and smiling. I still hear you saying that you bought candies for me. I still feel your kisses on the cheek. I still hear your laugh. It would fill me with so much joy. I miss it so much. I miss that joy that radiated off you.
I miss laying down to nap on the couch and you coming with a pillow and a blanket to make me comfortable. Just being around you felt comfortable. You made everyone feel at home. I miss how attentive you were; you made sure everyone had eaten, even the dog.
You were always supportive and wanted to be there for everything, every school play, every graduation and every celebration. Even when you could barely walk you would find the strength and you never complained.
Most of all, I miss your stories. Your stories always fascinated me. You had lived so much and gone through so much darkness yet you were this shining light. God was the center of your universe and you put everything in his hands. Your faith was always eye-opening to me. You always had a rosary around your neck and you never skipped a prayer. I think even in your sleep you prayed. If you could, you would’ve prayed for every single person on earth, that’s how you were.
I know you’re up in heaven looking down at me, laughing at me or rolling your eyes at me. You would hate that I feel sad over your loss. I can’t help it though, sorry.
You’re probably busy having the time of your life with God. He was your best friend through it all. Which is why I’m okay with you not being here with me. I know you’re better than all of us.
You, grandma, are the reason our family is a family. You raised each and every one of us with so much love and faith. You treated each and every one of us as individuals, all different, but you loved us all the same.
I know you’re smiling now, like you always were. I hate writing ‘were’. I wish I was writing ‘are’. But you aren’t here physically anymore, you were and I am more than grateful to have had so many years with you. I’m sorry for those who didn’t.
You are here though, in my thoughts. I’m always talking to you. ‘Grandma would be laughing at me right now’, ‘Grandma would be scolding me right now’, ‘Would Grandma allow this?’ ‘Grandma, please give me strength today.’
I won’t cry anymore. I won’t cry because I know you never liked it. I know you don’t want my tears. So from now on I’ll smile, like you always did.