“Be phenomenal or be forgotten”
“I Am So Embarrassed”
Fiction. Based on a True Battle With My Low Self Esteem.
by Noah Taylor
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.
“I am so embarrassed! I dead-ass can’t keep my shit together! I am a fuckin’ mess!” my brain yells to my heart.
“You are what you say! So if you say you’re a mess then you’re a mess! But did you think you would simply be a natural at breaking bad habits and rapidly changing your life?”
“BITCH. I fuckin’ can’t even balance an internship, and this job, and my relationships! Our three oldest siblings have been doing this since they were eighteen!”
“We both know they were skilled liars! Who knows what the fuck they were actually doing in their college dorm room states away! Literally anything! How do we know they weren’t only reporting the good things they were accomplishing over the phone while skillfully masking the things they struggled with?”
“I mean, all six of us are very good at appearing to have our life together.”
“What are some of the good things you are accomplishing that you report over the phone?”
“I guess I am rapidly changing in my personal and professional life, and actually becoming someone I would trust tasks to… But our bitch ass is only starting to actually get out of bed before 7am at twenty-three! Beyonce has been doing this shit since she’s been fifteen!!! THAT MEANS FIFTEEN YEAR OLDS CAN DO WHAT WE HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING TO DO, HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO RESPECT OURSELVES?”
“Well, we should begin by calming down and refusing to escalate a situation by comparing ourselves to someone with a completely different life track, goals, work ethic, and mentality than us.”
“That’s not very logical or productive of you to say that to yourself.”
“When did you become the more logical one between us?”
“Around the same time you became this pessimistic and self-sabotaging.”
My brain sang a deep sigh of frustration and exasperation.
“I just don’t understand why you can only encourage negative thoughts about yourself when you are only doing your best, with very little experience but trying your hardest.”
“I hate trying hard, it means that when I fail,my best wasn’t enough.”
“How self-destructive of you to think of yourself that way.”
“You could be less condescending too, you know. The ADD helps nothing, and it’s not like you’ve been particularly accepting of our disability. You’ve clearly been in denial of the way that the attention deficit disorder topples achievement after achievement for us. I can’t even clock us in to or out of work on time.”
My heart was silent as it exaggeratingly rolled its eyes.
“Since there are two of us existing in one body, we can each only be right 50% of the time.”
“Did you account for the times when we are both right?”