“I was just laughing at myself, at all the human sorrow that we attach to things and it’s just all about our own self-love really, and actually getting who we are.”
“I am ME”
Fiction. Based on a True Journey of Self Discovery.
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character, or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.
There’s this gorgeous man named Jonathan. He has light blue eyes and dark sleek hair. He’s a friend of one of my best friends, Daniel, and every time we go out he’s there. I’ve never actually spoken to him but I always feel attraction towards him.
Tonight, I know I’ll see him. I invited Daniel and a bunch of other friends to a new club around my block. He’ll probably bring Jonathan with him since they’re becoming such great friends. Today I’ll talk to him.
I put on my hottest outfit and put on my best make-up. I straighten my hair as straight as can be and head out.
As soon as I step into the bar there he is, Jonathan. My friends greet me but the real person I want to greet is him. I start buying drinks and shots. When I’m a little tipsy I’ll have the courage to actually talk to him.
I get closer and closer to him, little by little, to see if he’ll talk to me but he never actually does. I sit down on a stool beside him and decide to finally talk.
“I don’t think we’ve ever talked,” I blurt out. The music is pretty loud so I practically scream at him.
He shakes his head. “We haven’t. Daniel has talked to me about you though,” he screams back.
“Good things I hope.” I smile my best flirty smile and bat my eyelashes like that would make him fall in love with me.
“Yeah,” he says. We stay there for a few seconds without saying anything.
“So do you dance?” I finally ask him.
He shrugs. “Not really.”
Damn, that was my one shot. “Oh, come on, dance, everyone is,” I say with the hope that he will.
“Fine, if everybody is,” he says. So I grab my other friends and head to the dance floor. I try as hard as I can to be closest to him but my other friends get in the way.
The night ends and nothing changes. He still doesn’t really talk to me, I still haven’t made an impact on him.
A week later, Daniel asks me to go out with him via text. I ask him if Jonathan will be there he responds with a yes and asks why. I admit to him that I have a little crush. He tells me that I’m not really his type that he likes blondes with big lips. Two things I’m not. I say that it doesn’t matter that I still want to hook up with him.
You know what? I think I want some highlights. I always like a change. I’ll get it before I see him again. Maybe then he’ll notice me.
I make the change and love it. That night I overdraw my lips and head to the place we’re going to meet up.
Everyone raves about my new hair. “Nice change,” Jonathan says.
“Thanks, blondes have more fun right?” I laugh.
“That’s what I hear,” he says and winks at me. “Save me a dance tonight?”
“Sure,” I say and head to Daniel who has a drink for me.
That night we danced. He wouldn’t leave me alone even for a second.
Before we leave, he gets close to my ear, “I know this great diner around the block, want to join me?” he asks and goosebumps arise.
I nod my head. He grabs my hand and pulls me outside with him.
We walk and talk. He tells me how he met Daniel. I tell him I’ve known him since high school.
We arrive and order. “You know, you are beautiful,” he says. “I don’t know how I didn’t notice before.”
“Well I was a brunette before, now I’m more your type,” I say.
He chuckles. “Maybe.”
Our food arrives and we eat.
“Want to head over to my place?” He asks me. I look into his eyes and see it, the eagerness. I should play hard to get a little.
“Actually, I have an early day tomorrow,” I say.
“Fine, then I’ll take you home,” he says and opens the door for me.
He gets on the uber with me and leaves me in front of my door.
“Today was fun,” he says.
“I want your number, so we can do this again. Hopefully, you come to my place next time,” he winks and hands me his phone.
“We’ll see,” I say and hand him back his phone. He takes my hand that has the phone and pulls me to him. He kisses me softly on the mouth.
He lets me go and gets into the uber. I head inside my apartment and smile.
He doesn’t text me though. I don’t have his number so I can’t text him. I have to ask Daniel.
Which I do and he gives it to me. I text him a simple hello but he doesn’t answer.
It’s Daniel’s birthday and he wants to celebrate in this fancy restaurant. I know Jonathan will be there so I put on my sexiest outfit.
I enter the restaurant and I see him, holding the hand of a blonde. I look at Daniel and he just shrugs. I make my way towards the group and greet everyone. When I finally make it to Jonathan I say, “Nice girl.”
“Yeah, met her earlier in the day, wanted to give her a chance,” he says.
“Oh, how you gave me a chance?” I blurt out.
“Well I gave you a chance and you didn’t take it,” he says and leaves to be with his blonde.
I stand there, just looking at them walking and thinking what could possibly attract me to such an asshole. How could I have thought that it would be a beautiful relationship when I had to change my appearance just for his attention. That is not me.
I enjoyed the rest of my night. I celebrated Daniel’s birthday and paid no attention to Jonathan. As I should’ve done since the beginning.
When I arrive home I look at myself in the mirror. I see my blonde streaks and shake my head. I can’t believe I did that for a stupid boy. I did do it though and now I have to embrace it.
This is not me. I won’t be the type of woman that changes for a man. I do not need a man to make me feel full either. From now on, whoever I want to be with someone who will like me for me, not because of the changes I made for them. I have to love myself first so another can love me as well. I know what I’m capable of, I know my worth. I will not stoop to such a low level of wanting to be another woman. I am me.