“How do you Develop Amnesia?”

Fiction. Based on a True Story.

by Joy

This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.

I made a choice, the right choice or so I thought. I was in love, madly and undeniably so. I wanted the best for her, for us, for a life and a future I believed we both wanted so I settled into my natural role of overfunctioning. Over giving, over loving even when I received very little in return, I did not care. Just love a little more and a little more and then love some more. That wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. I could give you my 2 kidneys and it still wouldn’t be enough. I made excuses for the cheating, the lies, the constant manipulation. As long as I hold on and keep forgiving, we will make it. Get married, have kids, buy a beautiful house and be happy, all I had to do was survive this phase. All I did was hurt myself repeatedly. The humiliation, the disrespect, the disgrace. I became a nuisance you wanted to get rid of. I begged you not to leave me. I was prepared to stay in any situation, I loved you that much. I began living in fear. I could not reprimand you if you did something wrong for fear of losing you. This was my chosen situation so who am I to complain? You were once so madly in love with me and I held on to the good memories, hoping we can get back the bond we once shared but now I see that’s all we have left. Memories and well a lot of pain, anger and hurt on my end. 3 years and 3 months later, I am finally ready to accept that we are done. We have been done for a while now but I kept pushing, kept hoping, kept wishing, kept loving. The issue at hand now is how do I forget about you? No I don’t wish to go through the gradual stages of heartbreak. Yes we spoke everyday for hours and I know it will be hard to break off the attachment. Even right now, I should block you from every communication channel but I am so scared. What if I stop talking to you and you decide to come back? How will you find me? Silly right? You moved in with her and did everything I would never do but you tell me you still want to spend your life with me. Joke is on me.
On to the question, how do I develop amnesia? I want to forget about the last 3 years of my life. I want to forget you ever existed. If I meet you down the road I don’t want to remember you at all. I want my memories wiped off completely. How do I do that? I want peace, I want to start anew. I want to love myself with the same intensity that I loved you.