“Well—it’s like a physical pain now. Where my heart physically is. Just, like, it hurts sometimes. It’s weird. It’s like an actual pain.” –Kera Armendariz

“Holding a Feeling”

Fiction. Based on a True Heartbreak

by Charlotte Thomas

This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.

I wanted anything; Anything and something; Maybe; Somewhere;
I wanted a place
I wanted somewhere in my mind
Where I could escape
I wanted to trap a Feeling
To encage it in my heart and in my soul
I wanted
I wanted so bad that it felt like I needed
But I didn’t
No one really needs that
No one can really hold a Feeling
Even if it feels like someone can
They know it themselves
No one can hold a Feeling
Yet it seems so palpable
So perfect
So real
That sometimes you can convince the mind
Of what it really wants
You can try and hold that sweetness in your palm
But the moment you realize it’s there
It’s already drifted away
Like the sand shifting through your fingers on a decaying beach
Even the light in your life
It exists
But it belongs to no one
Not even the person within whom you see it
It flickers and fades
Until it dissolves into the obscurity
No one can hold a Feeling
You can try
You can dream
You can wish
For that Feeling to stay forever
To exist in the high it creates
But no one can hold
A Feeling.