“Haunting, Evanescent Memories.” Fiction. Based on a True Complicated relationship with Memory.

“[E]ven our most well-preserved of memories will be gone.”

Bry LeBerthon

“Haunting, Evanescent Memories”

Fiction. Based on a True Complicated Relationship with Memory.

By Anastasia Cosima

This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.

I am simultaneously battling two of my greatest fears: a terrifying fear of not being able to remember and an equally terrifying fear of the inability to forget. What makes these fears even scarier is their ability to make the living turn into ghosts, to make you a stranger to yourself. When they start affecting your memories and experiences with other people, they take on a quasi-demonic quality.
Without my memories, I am afraid I will lose my ability to hope. I held on to hope for far too long in the form of false promises and precious memories of the good times, which have grown fewer and further between. These two fears have overtaken my life, consuming every waking moment and taunting me in my dreams. I am terrified of losing the only good memories I have, and I am equally terrified of being unable to forget the most traumatic memories of my life.