“I’ve let go of you. Everything that we have to do. Let actions speak their truth, I’ll let you go.” -Indigo River
“I let go of all my doubts, no more, no more wondering how.” -Indigo River
Fiction. Based on a True Letting Go Experience.
by Mingjie Zhai
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Perhaps it is the courage of letting go that defines the transition from girl to womanhood. In the ancient days and even in modern times, women have learned the pain of watching their men leave to fight for their mutual survival. The men. Our men, who leave, do so to provide, protect, and profess. They have to learn the trade, learn the hierarchy, learn the language of communication–verbal and non-verbal, in order to rank and reap. Their world is a structured pecking order, whether they like it or not, it doesn’t matter. It’s what’s so. Adam will toil to the end of his days.
What matters is honor, reputation, social acceptance in the tribe so they may play the survival game of winning. The women have traditionally stayed home to maintain the home. A man has too many things to worry about, and the last of which he wants to worry about is whether or not his woman is out with another man when he’s focusing on building his castle for his family. The last thing any man wants is to find out that his wife is neglecting her duties at home, having trysts with other men, and destroying the home. He wants to be reassured that she can be trusted while he is away breaking his back and carrying the weight of his team.
The Metropolitan Woman
It is 2018. The women have been taught that they can be the Samantha of Sex and the City through popular culture and mainstream media. The high powered business woman who flirts, flings, and fires just like the men of Madmen (the T.V. show).
She is a metropolitan woman. The kind who has her own black card, pays for her own car, clothes, and casa, so long as she also is a hustler, a player in the game, who does what she wants when she wants to do it.
Rylie’s drawn to these women like a drunk to cigarettes–the dreamers, the doers, and the action takers. And Angelie has the potential for all that manifestation. However, she hesitates because she is reminded of Jesus’ first temptation from Satan.
Do not use the gifts you have for yourself.
He admires her, but from far away because he knows if he gives his heart to her, it may never be good enough.
Anglie had messaged him, “I only date winners.”
And there it is.
Earn your place in my reality.
This strategy is the “you are the goal the man must strive towards,” but it is also inauthentic. Because this would mean that Angelie must hold back from expressing her emotions, something that perhaps has its reasoning rooted in discipline, chastity, and patience–virtues that lead to more connection, favorability, and an ascension of higher self to be realized.
Every human wants a goal and the more challenging that goal is the more motivated men like Rylie would want to play, so she thinks.
But the mind games.
Playing the mind games.
It’s as if her life is still on automatic.
Who is at the steering wheel?
Is it God or is it her earthly desires?
God knows what’s in her heart. She wants a strong family yet can she battle her own daemons for it? Lust, gluttony–specifically the sex and alcohol that comes so easily for it is just one booty call away–can she resist?
She knows that they both have a booty call list.
It’s familiar spirits. And here she is living with her parents, too ashamed to talk to them, because she still hasn’t made a certain amount of money to show that she is capable of true independence, let alone responsibility.
She knows instinctively that she can not win Satan’s game. The game is rigged. Pity the fool who plays it without sourcing power from God.
The minute she had dropped the “L” bomb on him on an FB messenger text, she felt the universe shift to test mode.
Rylie is now testing her, now that she has upped the ante.
No, he has no time for her.
Will she flip out and make a temper tantrum?
Will she fuss and fight over him?
Will she show her crazy side?
Better now than later.
He needs to know all these things, so he says no to her advances.
No, he can’t hang out. He has to attend to Charlie to sign the lease contract for his move to a new place because she won’t sleep with him in this shit-hole room with no windows and he knows it. No, he can’t hang out. He has to attend to Marlon because he’s going to give him the extra cash he needs to save up so he may be able to start his own affiliate business that’s going to make him money so he can stand proud, shoulder to shoulder with his dad, and embrace his woman because she has a big appetite–for she wants to travel the world with their children and eat all the delicacies that the world can offer to her, and how is he supposed to fulfill all that if he doesn’t get his shit together?
So he has no time for Angelie now because he’s building a home for them or someone later. That’s the best case scenario.
The worst case scenario is that he feels awkward at any sign of a woman’s falling in love with him because he can’t seem to feel he is lovable at all–and if he is lovable, he can’t seem to settle…there’s just too many beautiful women who are crazy in Los Angeles, and the best case scenario is to maintain a player status–all the fun without the attachments of responsibility associated with really loving someone.
Why would a woman want an irresponsible man who has so many fuck-ups if there was not something wrong with her? He can’t deal with that kind of baggage. Why would a woman love him if she isn’t crazy herself? She can’t be too all there if it is he whom she loves.
Somewhere between the two possibilities, there is free will, something Rylie does not believe in. His relationship with God will be repairing because Mysty and Angelie have been praying for it.
Perhaps he fell in love first but it was Angelie who articulated it into being.
There is hope.
The woman who stands behind her man builds her man.
Perhaps the thought of her picking him up from his work and taking him to his place was embarrassing. He’s not a child. Sure she’s older than him, but he’s no child.
“I have to meet with Charlie after work,” he had told her.
The day before, she had told herself, “Stay away from him.” He reminds her of Green Eyes.
She associates Green Eyes as the man who wasn’t there. After all the times she has been there through his hospitalization and when it was her turn, where did he go? Where was all that Milestone training he had talked to her about in practice?
And now Rylie.
“I’m glad I had broken up with her. She would have been the death of me,” Rylie had told her over dinner on their first date about his ex-girlfriend. She sensed it was the Jezebel spell that had a stronghold over his ex.
Jezebel spirits attract the Ahab spirits. The Spirit of Ahab symbolizes giving up the authority and responsibility of the family. The Jezebel spirit symbolizes intelligence, cunning, and seductiveness that has the guise of holiness but has the agenda of leading people to worship false idols. The spirit thrives off of controlling others. The Jezebel is a chameleon, one who can quickly adapt to the game being played in the matrix and outwit the players in their own game. They often use the mirroring effect which is why witches are masters of insight, perceptibility, and manipulation because if one can mimic the target, one can create false empathy for the target and create an allure that will implant ideas in other people’s head. That is how charms and spells work–it’s written in their minds that they have planted ideas in that then gets cursed into germination.
She’s already heard him repeat the ones she has planted in him.
All women are crazy.
Women don’t even understand themselves. How can a man understand the intricacies of the opposite sex?
The true masters are the ones who get others to think it’s their idea. That ownership is arbitrary because to the controller, it’s all meaningless because we create the meaning for everything, and the natural conclusion is that might is right so goes the same ole redundant pyramid scheme. There are training schools to build the controller mentality, people in the Emulation, the secret brotherhood and sisterhood, a secret society that aims to shape and mold the system for maintaining the beast system for the beast to arrive and awaken all of us one day.
Mother Goddess, Aya, tempts her.
“What would you say to Lucifer if you had a chance to talk to him?” Rylie once asked her.
The question excited her because in some ways she knew that it wouldn’t be far-fetched that she may perhaps be talking to this fallen angel speaking through Rylie. Rylie, who had fallen from the faith some time ago, is now vulnerable to being manipulated by the fallen ones, so it wouldn’t be a surprise, thought Angelie, if the devil himself were speaking through Rylie.
“I would tell him to come home to God. I would deliver a message from God to Lucifer: God loves you and hopes that one day you will repent and come back to the Body of Angels. After all, the whole reason we came into Being in this reality is to play out a love story for Satan himself.”
Something in Rylie’s soul already knew this, something in her voice rings true to love, but one of his tactics is to play dumb. Whether it’s about numerology or anything related to the supernatural that she would bring up. He has a tell though. It’s in his eyes. When she reaches into the deep blue irises of his eyes, she could feel the deep sadness in his heart. The broken spirit that she hopes he can give to God to help him heal.
Would you rather Rylie worships you than worship God?
God doesn’t want you two together, whereas I will ordain your love.
Serve me and I can make that happen, the lie of Satan whispered in her ears. All Angelie has to do is show Rylie how powerful and wondrous the Emulations really are.
After all, you’re somebody, my goddess, the serpent whisspers in her ears.
I’ve even reserved both your initiation into my family at the highest location overlooking my dominion, Satan continues.
The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I came so that they can have a life–indeed so they can live life to the fullest.
He is an artist after all.
An artist with one hell of a story to tell.
He withholds from her shortly after the L bomb.
“Can I drop off the flyers?”
“You don’t have to take the bus today. I can pick you up.”
“I’m heading straight to Marlon’s place.”
She knew that he didn’t want her to know where he worked.
It frightened him how well she is able to articulate him.
He was terrified.
“My sister and I don’t get along,” he tells her.
“My sister and I are only beginning to reconcile,” she tells him.
“My dad is a miserable man,” he tells her.
“My dad is also a miserable man,” she wanted to tell him back but withheld because she knew that just by saying it, it would place curses on her own dad.
“My boss is insecure because he doesn’t know what he’s talking about half the time, and tries to micromanage everything,” he tells her.
“I am insecure because I don’t know what I’m talking about half the time and I try to micromanage everything,” she wanted to tell him back but withheld because she knew that just by saying it, it would place curses on herself.
Rylie continues with a list of complaints he has against the people he cares about the most. It was as if the Ahab Spirit in him wanted to activate the Jezabel in Angelie.
On Valentine’s day, she missed her interview opportunity with the R&B star that plays to the beast system, celebrating and spreading the Jezebel spirit propaganda in the guise of feminism–it’s not feminism, it’s the femme fatale that most men are seduced and destroyed by.
She gets a text for Jazz Night at the one of the Emulator’s headquarters, at the rooftop of one of the Master Emulator’s hotel and nightclubs in Hollywood. She is automatically on the list. VIP plus guests. Free.
You’re already on the list. Just come.
Automatically, she envisions their kissing Rylie on the rooftop the way she had first kissed B.
She had forwarded the invite to him.
“I can’t go. I have to wake up at 5 am in the morning the next day,” he says.
He is testing her. Can she handle the fact that he is putting her on standby?
“There are already two people that are coming. I can’t handle a third,” he had texted her when she wanted to stop by and do some more work. He needed his hours and he wasn’t giving her the time of day.
Or perhaps it is the universe testing her. Can she put action to her testimony of Faith and God? She remembers the second temptation.
Throw yourself off a cliff and the angels will save you if you are indeed God’s son, the devil speaks.
She recognizes this temptation.
Go and date the other men on your list and if Rylie still sticks around perhaps he is indeed worthy of you, the devil speaks.
She remembers giving advice to Cece about withholding her body for Charlie if indeed Charlie was truly the one for her. Even if he is to be with other women, but then again, if that were the case, one may have to rethink the choices we make on who is husband-worthy.
Angelie now has to rethink the choices she is making. Does she really want another man who is oblivious to Jesus and spiritual warfare to become her life partner? A non-believer who has a hard time crucifying his own flesh to lust and gluttony in a city that is driven by capitalizing sin? From the head doctors to private doctors to the welfare system that enables more broken families, the commercials keep saying, “sin, sin, sin,” and even the billboards have women seducing men to attend their “gentlemen’s club” out in broad daylight, oblivious of what this would do to the kids, driving passed the 405 and 5 California freeways.
Broken Families & Broken Systems
His instincts about her were suspect. Is she to be trusted? Angelie has the ability to see through people but will she take advantage of it? Would she find his buttons only so she can push it?
Would she gaslight him? Make him feel like he’s the one who is going crazy, being abusive, being in the wrong. And whatever effort he puts in, it’s just not good enough, and the coldness of her demeanor is used to control him and then the love given to him is dispensed like candy to a rhesus monkey in a glass prison to make sure he obeys.
Good boy. Bad boy.
His instincts about her have made him become aware of the zeitgeist –the soul ties that tied her down to familiar daemons–he smells her lust and that part of her that seeks to control, dominate, and smother his gifts. Charm is the weapon most LA girls will use to trap and destroy a man. Angelie knows that if she leaves, their chances of being together are slim, but leave she must. She has outgrown this town and her aim is elsewhere now. Not fame and glory, but humility and the possibility to fulfill her promise to God, powered by the Holy Spirit to exercise her gifts.
She is in process and God keeps telling her to wait because if she and Rylie were to go at it now, it would leave both of them vulnerable to the Jezebel and Ahab spirits that they had inherited from generational rites and rituals of their respective ancestors. And perhaps it’s the smell of his blood that draws her near to him.
They are magnets of tragedy.
There’s a real possibility that you’ll have to let him go. Holy Spirit tells her.
That afternoon, Angelie was listening to George Orwell’s 1984 on Audible.
“Will you be willing to abandon each other and never see each other again?” O’ Brian had asked Winston when Winston had made the choice to sabotage the Big Brother system from the inside. “No,” Julia intervened.
That was what Angelie wanted to say back to God.
“No, I don’t want to let him go. I fell in love again,” she tells God.
But Angelie knows better than any that the line between love and lust is in the discipline of love itself. And a woman who doesn’t play by the willful blind eye of the matrix is in danger of being the g.o.a.t., which is the sacrifice and also the most venerated one, like Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery.” A school book reading taught to middle school kids about ritualistic sacrifice pushed as fiction, reveals truths within the hidden social structures. It’s the gang, it’s the frat, it’s the corporate culture, and it’s the conglomeration of the beast structure grounded upon power. Empty and meaningless power.
She knows that love is patient and kind, and she chooses Rylie to practice mastering love again.
Well if you love him, then you must exercise chastity and continue the work of the Lord, and pray that the Lord delivers Rylie from evil because something wicked this way comes for him.
Misty already gave Angelie the heads up that the battle for Rylie’s salvation is on. It came in the form of an Instagram glitch on Mysty’s cell phone. “His Instagram randomly popped up in my phone and my phone started automatically liking his pictures.”
Judah Smith said it best, “If you’re not the solution, then you’re the problem.”
Get out of God’s way.
You’ve got to let go of your passions so that God’s passion can be revealed.
The Jezebel Spirit
“Starve her passions,” Turban had told her in New York, New York.
“That’s how you defeat her?”
“Yes, you starve her passions.”
Pain to passion
“I don’t get women,” he had told her.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get women because women don’t even get women,” he repeated to her what she had told him a few weeks back. “I think all women are crazy.”
Because Angelie had told Rylie that “all women are crazy.”
But did Angelie tell Rylie that crazy has a double meaning? Crazy means awakening to the spiritual battle? Crazy is breaking bread with a man on the streets to testify her encounter to Jesus, a man who is addicted to meth whom she was delivered from that curse through the prayer she asked in Jesus name, once upon a time ago, to break the addiction of meth, for her? Crazy is testifying that Jesus really died and resurrected on the cross, to make way for the Holy Spirit to anchor us for all who believe and receive the free gift of connection God through Jesus, activating our calling for us to manifest what we were originally divinely designed for to do here? Crazy is realizing that we are living in matrix where the devil has temporary dominion for an ancient bet that heaven and hell are taking sides on, upping the ante, to see which algorithm is true and which one is false. Crazy is that man who cannot live by bread alone but by the word of the Lord as the daily bread.
Crazy is normal.
Normal is crazy.
The mother who became institutionalized for burning her son when it was really the spirit of witchcraft that had allowed a daemon to possess her, that is crazy.
The source-rer who placed the original curse is crazy.
2 Timothy 1:7: For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
Angelie has to get grounded back to zero. The Corinthians slipped out of Angele’s Bible, and here she reads,
“Brethren, be not children in understanding: howbeit in malice be ye children, but in understanding be men.” 1 Corinthians 14:20
Rylie was getting initiated into the Emulateren this year. He’s 29, Saturn’s return, and it is here that he will face his toughest battle the way Angelie had to face hers in 2013. She had people praying for her. People who were of the faith who knew through Holy Spirit that she will be tested the way Rylie will be tested through the fire.
“What if Jesus was the ultimate avatar? God in a human body suit?” She had asked him on their second date.
What if we were all just acting on a world stage for the devil himself and the fallen angels? How did the death star die? By being planted from the inside. So what if we are the white dot in the black 9 of the Yang sign? The Sheep in Wolf’s clothing?”
The Sheep in Wolf’s Clothing
“What if this whole life you thought you were a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and I am here to tell you that you are a sheep in wolf’s clothing for Christ?” She withheld her thoughts from him because she knew it is not time.
The way that her “L” bomb dropped was not timed well. Sure she knew she was falling in love with him yesterday but perhaps writing it on an FB messenger was not the way to go and perhaps it wasn’t even fully realized because Angelie had her own self-work to do.
Learn love by being love. What is the formidable opponent to the Jezabel?
Deborah, the Prophet. God’s Prophetess.
Remember that spirit.
Angelie had been in the kitchen a few days later thinking this through.
How do you defeat the spirit of witchcraft?
Through spiritual warfare and deliverance in the Holy Spirit.
But how do you bind the spirit of witchcraft in yourself?
She remembers her second psychosis. She had visions of red as binding power. That power is on both sides. The bind itself is neutral.
Initially, Angelie had asked, “How do I beat the Jezebel?” And then realized that the word “beat” has a double-edged sword. The Jezebel is constantly being beaten by Satan for she is the fallen Eve, bound in bondage. That’s how Satan controls her/him…she has warped herself into a Baphomet…Baal…the g.o.a.t., the slave, like the shapeshifter that Rihanna had played in Valerian.
Jezebel has taken control of creation to a point that it has caused confusion among the world. She is at the right hand of satan while Jesus is at the right hand of God.
Jesus’ second coming is to save her too.
This is God’s battle, not yours.
You play your part and watch the love story unfold.
Holy Spirit whispers to Angelie’s heart.