“Understanding that even in darkness, there is so much choice…” – Moby

“Forever Endeavor”

Fiction. Based on True Self Love.

by Constance

This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

There is so much to say, but with it comes such a price to pay. Don’t hold a grudge, or even better, forget it as fast as you hear it. Because to lose you entirely would be my death sentence. I am spilling my guts, for you to mop up. So unfair, I know, but no longer can I be that Dutch boy with his finger in the dam. My words are rushing through my teeth now, no matter how hard I bite down on this tongue. No matter how much blood fills this mouth. This is who I am. The person you do not know. I hid in silence for the sake of our…friendship…that is so foreign. You do not know who I am. Because you do not want me.

But in your arms I am vindicated. I am safe. I am free. Fitting so perfectly at your side, entwined in your arms and legs. My spine trembling from the soft touch of your fingertips running up and down my arm. While you’re running circles around me. You have me right where you want me. But why these fictitious emotions? Acting aimlessly with no intentions. You want nothing. You are blind to love. Ignoring all the signs. The spider that starting building its web between us. As if we have been together for ages. If that is not a metaphor, I don’t know the meaning. The random person coming up to us, asking if we are in love. He could see it radiating off us. Why can’t you?

You cry for help. But when I throw you this rope, you look through it like glass. Don’t let this pass. It is not tainted. No thorns upon it. It is pure. I will pull you up, out of that hole. In to the light, the warmth of my arms. Feel this heart, this is real.

I am lost in love. Spinning out of control. I am locked in this dark room. I know where the exit is, but I choose to stumble blindly forward, getting deeper and deeper into the darkness. Becoming broken and bruised by these random obstacles. Only to be hurt and lost forever in the end.

When the thought of you on top of someone else, them in your arms, your lips on theirs, comes into my brain. I do not have the urge to cry. My heart beats faster, my chest burns, and I stop breathing until the gasping for air knocks me back to reality. That must be my heart exploding.

I stare down at my body, looking for blood. I see nothing. But I am hurt. What is this pain. I miss the days when the only time you hurt is when you scraped your knee. The blood proof that you were physically hurt, otherwise you did not know pain. That seems so long ago, I can barely see the memory through the clouds I have grown way above. I was living comfortably in those complacent clouds. Now I am crashing. Mayday. Mayday. My heart is broken. My wings are gone. I reach for a parachute but pull out a mirror. Can I save me? Because no one else can.

I heard San Francisco calling me. So I followed the sweet sound of her voice, salvation. Breath in the life of the city. Let it consume me. Change me. Close my eyes, just listen to her scream to me, feel her sounds pulsate through my body. Pounding heart. Talking back in Morse code. I am home. Breath out the despairs of the past. That hold me back. Watch them dissipate into the sky’s. Burning stars into the darkness. Shedding light on this path. I will follow. Follow the path away from you.

Because you can’t make someone love you no matter how hard you try or want it. It’s something you feel or you don’t feel. It’s like wanting blonde hair when you have brown. You can fake it, but it will never stay and it won’t look natural. So my feelings for you, replaced by my dreams. I’ll see you around, not as much as I’d like, but I’ll take my chances on a safer bet. A love that loves back. But you’ll always be my best and worst friend.