“Exposing you is expelling you.”

by Vermilion

“Expulsion”

Fiction. Based on a True Attempt to Forget.

by Jin

This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

My love:

Why, after all this time, do I still miss you? Why does it still feel like my heart is falling to pieces? That, without you, I have this gnawing anxiety in my chest and in the pit of my stomach? Is that what it is, anxiety? Remember that moment when I tried to make you understand by gesturing wildly at my chest? There’s this tie, this tie between us. And the further apart we are from each other, the more it pulls and tears at my heart. It is destroying me.

I miss your lips, your blue eyes, your gentle pats on my stomach. I miss your lips on my body. I miss you running your hands through my hair and staring deep, deep into my eyes and making your small noises of love. I miss when you used to blink at me, from your pool of endless emotion, endless love.

I don’t understand why you took yourself from me or why I still hurt. I don’t understand why you won’t speak to me, or why I can’t forget you, why I can’t let go. Have you already forgotten? Where are you now? Why do I still feel this pain? Do you feel it, too?

I let you go. But I still miss our life together. I miss coming home to you. I miss hearing music from outside the door. And that moment when you held out your hand for the key: don’t you realize how many times you broke my heart? It was cruel. Unnecessary.

I want redemption. I want explanations. I want you to beg me for forgiveness and tell me you’ll love me until the end of time. And then I want to break your heart, as you did mine. I want to rip it out of your chest and tear at it and throw it on the floor and smash it into a thousand pieces like the cold china it has shown itself to be. I do not understand you. I do not understand anybody.

I do not understand how anyone could do such a thing. And I do not know how I will ever heal from it. To have the door slammed in my face, again and again. To be thrown out of the place that I called home. To be made unwelcome and unwanted. To have lost a family and a safe space. I hate you for all of that. I hate you, and I want to forget you. I wish you never existed. I want to erase you from my memory, forever.

Get out of my mind. You erased yourself from my life, like some kind of magic trick: is it so much harder to erase yourself from my mind? For all the love you had for me, please be gone. Please leave me in my hard-earned peace.

I still love you, and I always will. And that is why I seek to forget you.

Now go.