“Everything you want people to be for you, be for them.” –Cheri Rae
Fiction. Based on a True Partner.
By Nikki Wicz
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional
I asked him if he trusted me
Not realizing the gun I was loading.
He told me he didn’t know and I turned the barrel to my chest
Because I thought it must be something I did, something I
I forgot that he wasn’t everyone else, for a moment. Because just then, he was him
He was a snail with a spiralled shell made to withstand the current.
Even if I pulled the trigger on him, he would split the bullet in half.
Everyone I had known seemed to ooze with emotion
Like slugs, leaving trails of misery behind them.
Or they were something like my father: if he had another feeling
Other than anger or sarcasm, I never knew.
But he isn’t my father. He’s a creek, ambling towards
The cliff edge; making his way to something bigger,
Some day. I hope he doesn’t mind that I want to sit
At his banks and wade into his thoughts. He opens up to me
Sometimes when he drinks, and I want this to make me happy,
But I don’t want him to regret being vulnerable.
The first night we drank together was a week before I moved out.
We were roommates before we were anything else, and we had never
Hung out before, so I put on my favorite shirt.
I never thought he could be special to me because I was jealous
At first; he seemed to have everything I wanted: a girlfriend,
And a job that pertained to his degree. We are, to use a shitty metaphor,
day and night.
He’s like an echo of the sun, sometimes I have to look through my fingers
To see what’s left of him behind the solar flares, and this is how I learn
About him, from around corners and behind shades.
I’m always afraid of doing the wrong thing, of not arguing
When he wants me to. I want to be positive for him, to be kind,
But he told me he wanted to know what I wanted,
And I suddenly understood why people in movies
Go to cliff tops to scream people’s names. You could ask
Me why I liked him and I wouldn’t know what to tell you
Maybe, because he wasn’t me, he was the farthest thing
From me, and I want to know what it’s like
Outside of my head.