“Even if it takes all night, even it takes all night, I’m gonna find a reason, gonna find a reason. Tryna tell me this isn’t right, tell me this isn’t right. I’m gonna make you feel, gonna make you feel it, ohh. Even if it takes all night, even if it takes all my life, some days I think it might
it’s always waiting on me, always waiting on me. You know you can cut like a knife, you cut like a knife. I’m just a puddle baby, just a puddle baby. Even if it takes all my life its easy when it’s black and white. We can never leave the color inside the lights. Something bout the way you make me feel it’s like I can hardly breathe you’re not by my side. Even when I walk away, I walked away, I’m never gonna stay, I’m never gonna stay, cuz I’m just a boomerang, a boomerang. You’re waiting to catch me baby, catch me baby. You gonna catch me maybe.” – Chelsea Williams
Fiction. Based on a True Heartbreak.
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Those first milliseconds when you wake up are bliss, you don’t remember anything, you’re just opening your eyes. Then you feel it. The pain, the hurt, the emptiness. I ask myself why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep walking away from you? Or are you the one who walks away from me?
I saw you today, not intentionally, we were both at the coffee shop we loved to go together. You smiled at me and my heart twisted. You asked me how I was, I told you fine but I’m not really. You smiled once more and my mouth said “You free for dinner?” it just came out. You said that you were, you mentioned the restaurant across your apartment and I nodded. I’ll see you again, at 8pm.
8pm and my heart is all over the place. I tried my best, if I’m seeing you I’m going to make you feel something for me. I compose myself, I can’t let you see what a mess you’ve made of me. I see you and you smile. I’m at peace. We sit and we talk, like we never stopped. You tell me about your work, I tell you about mine. We talk about your family, I say I miss them.
11pm and I’m wrapped up in your sheets. You smile and tell me you missed this. I missed you. You tell me to stay with you and I nod. We can’t stop smiling. I think we could get back to this, being in this bliss.
It’s the next morning, I wake up and feel that calm and then my face smiles. What a difference a day makes. I don’t see you in the bed, you always used to wake up before me. I wake up and walk around. I hear you whispering, “Sorry I couldn’t make it last night, I was overwhelmed with work.” Who are you talking to? “I love you, see you tonight,” and you hang up. I walk towards you and you see me, no smile, just shock. “Who was that?” I ask. You don’t speak.
I have 20 missed calls from you. I answer none. Text messages keep flooding my phone, I empty it out. I block your number. I continue my life.
It’s 8pm, 24 hours, later. Yesterday I was excited to see you and now I’m disappointed. I gave it a shot and once again you failed me. This time, I’m not going to fail me. I’m stepping up. I’m leaving. I’m not coming back. I’m done with you.
A couple of days pass, I wake up and feel that calm and then I feel acceptance. I love you, you love someone else. I love myself more.