“Darkness is attractive.”
Fiction. Based on a True Battle with Depression.
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character, or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.
My body can’t physically wake up. I try so hard to wake up but my brain doesn’t translate it, it just stays on my bed. I stay in my bed, as long as I can. Until my body can’t physically hold any more pee, so I get up to go to the bathroom. I look at the shower and contemplate showering but I’m too tired. Maybe I should brush my teeth, but my body gets up from the toilet and heads right back to bed.
I wake up to my phone ringing. It’s over by the bedside, I see how the light shines from it. I think of who could it be? My body does not respond, I don’t want to respond. Whoever it is can wait after I wake up.
I eventually wake up, but it’s 8pm. My legs move towards the bathroom. I make myself take a shower and wash my teeth. I pick up my phone and see text messages from my friends groups chats asking to hang out. One of the girls ask about me, I ignore it. I don’t want to hang out, I want to eat and go to bed again.
I order take-out, not because I want to eat but because my stomach is filling my apartment with noises of hunger. I grab a bottle of wine and sit in the living room to wait. When take-out arrives, I have already finished my bottle. I take three complete bites, that’s enough to satisfy my stomach. I know I won’t fall asleep easily now, so I take a couple of sleeping pills.
I wake up with the sun shining right into my eyes. I groan and wake up. I need to buy darker curtains. It’s Monday. I’m supposed to go to work. I can call in sick. Which is exactly what I do.
The phone rings and breaks my trance. My trance of numbness and just looking at the TV. I answer it unconsciously. “Girl, are you okay?” the voice asks. I look to see who it is and it’s one of my friends that asked to hang out last night.
“I’m fine,” I answer.
“I’m coming over later, maybe with a pizza,” she says and I sit up and look at my surroundings. She’ll know I haven’t been up from my bed for more than a couple of hours. I don’t want to inconvenience her and I certainly don’t want to hear her speech.
“I’m actually sick with the flu so you shouldn’t,” I lie. In my defense, it does feel like having the flu but instead of fever and vomit, it’s self-hatred and weakness.
“I’ll bring soup then,” she says and hangs up. I sigh. I know I have two options: wake up and pick up my messes or continue sleeping and hear her speech later. The same as always, “find help, you have a good life” and more positive shit that I swear makes me really want to vomit.
My door is knocking and I realize instead of cleaning up like I wanted, I sat there crying. The last time I looked at the clock it was 3:34, not it’s 6:23. Where did the time go? I contemplate opening the door but the knocks get stronger and stronger.
I close my bedroom door and head to stop the awful disturbing knocks. My friend has a gorgeous smile on her, “I brought you chicken soup but I brought sushi for me,” she barges inside my apartment.
I always admired her. So full of life, always looking for the positive side of everything, she has a nice life, a great job, she’s gorgeous and she has a hot boyfriend that loves her deeply.
“I’m not really hungry,” I admit to her.
She looks at me and I see it, the speech is coming. Instead, she sighs and sets the food on the table. She starts to eat and I’m just looking at her, waiting for it. “Since when are you like this?”
I don’t know what to say, I just shrug.
“Should I call someone?”
“Who are you going to call?”
“A doctor?” she suggests but I roll my eyes.
“I’m fine, I’ll be fine it’s just a stump,” I say and head to my room.
It’s the next day. I didn’t shower yesterday, I didn’t even eat. Unfortunately, I have to go to work today. Which I do. Time goes by so slow, I want so bad to hide in the bathroom but people keep passing by to check up on me.
I’m home and watching TV when tears start to come out of my eyes full force. I don’t know why I cry. I don’t know which reason it is today. I just let them fall. If I just let myself go, what would happen? Would my parents cry? Would my friends miss me? Nah’ they probably won’t. They’ll hurt for a while but they’ll get over it, they’ll be better without me. I’m just a burden. I’m a bother. They barely pay attention to me anyway. I’ll be completely out of their way. I’ll be fine by myself. Wherever I go, I’ll be better than here. I hate it here. I am not who I want to be. I want to be more but it’s such a struggle to become more. I scream at how much I hate life and then it’s all darkness.
Darkness, it’s so easy to fall into it, it’s easier to be consumed by it. It’s so hard to fight. I don’t want to fight anymore.
But I do. I open my eyes in a hospital room with my parents holding my hand and a couple of my friends sitting on the floor. “What happened?” I croak. My voice doesn’t sound like mine anymore.
“Shh, don’t talk,” my mom says. “They had to pump your stomach, you took too many pills last night,” she says with tears falling down her cheek.
I just lay there in shock. I did it. I really tried to take my life away. I failed. I even failed at that. I’m kind of glad though, I don’t think I really want to die just yet. As much as I thought about it, I don’t think it’s what I really want.
“You have to get help,” my dad says. “Please, if you won’t do it for you please do it for us,” he says and squeezes my hand
I look at him and nod. I will. I’ll try to get help. I’ll try to get some sort of light into my life. I let the darkness consume and it didn’t. Maybe I should try to find the light now.