“I want to forget you ever existed. If I meet you down the road I don’t want to remember you at all. I want my memories wiped off completely. How do I do that? I want peace, I want to start anew. I want to love myself with the same intensity that I loved you.”
Fiction. Based on a True Person I Wish I Could Hate.
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.
Hi, I guess. It’s been so long since I wrote about you or wrote to you. It’s weird because I used to do it all the time. I would write fake conversations and make myself believe that everything would be okay because I had this version of you in my head that I could write to, and he would actually answer back. The real you rarely did.
It’s 1:35 a.m. right now, and I can’t sleep. I miss you. I miss you.
I would text you, but for what?
The conversation will probably turn into something sexual . . . because that’s how you see me now. As this woman who satisfies you, who will send you dirty texts, and who will make all your fantasies come to life.
Maybe that’s my fault. Because at one point in our lives, I really wanted to be that woman for you.
But now I want to be the one who listens to you. And the one who is heard.
I want to be the one you call when things get scary. And I want you to be the one I text when I can’t sleep.
But I know I shouldn’t. Because talking to you has been ruined by your unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is.
What did you expect from me? You knew I was broken. You knew it was going to be hard to maintain a relationship with me. Yet you opened me up, you broke down all my walls, and took away all my armor . . . for what? To be the one thing that could cause me more pain?
I should hate you.
I should hate you for making me become the person I was afraid to be.
I should hate you for deciding I suddenly was too broken, or that I wasn’t enough. Or that you needed something other than to deal with the sad and sick girl.
I should hate you for giving yourself to another girl. Another girl who seems to be the complete opposite of me.
I should hate you for wanting something other than what I had to offer.
I should hate you.
But all I do is hate myself.
Because I kind of knew this would happen. I thought I was prepared for the day that you left. But I held on to all the hope you threw around, that I thought ‘okay, maybe this isn’t really going to end. Maybe I found the one person in this fucked up world who really wants to be with me.’
But that was all bullshit. You were all bullshit.
And I should hate YOU.
So why don’t I?
Instead, I still feel all this overflowing amount of love for you.
Because for one perfect moment in time, you were mine, and I was yours. But it wasn’t about belonging to each other. It was about being individuals that come together to love.
I’ve found a way to think about you without it ripping my heart out, but sometimes it still breaks. Because I still love you. I’m not deeply and completely in love with you, but I still am to some extent because I mean, when you love someone as we loved each other, I don’t think it ever goes away. Does it? Did it go away for you? Do you love her more than me? Or did you ever love me at all?
My heart still has cracks and empty spaces from your absence. The cracks will always be there, and the missing pieces will always be with you. I mean, how could they not be? From the beginning of our beginning, I was yours, and I was learning to be mine. I was so unsure of the person I was, but you came into my life and made it so different. I was different. I changed into the person I’m supposed to be because of your presence in my life.
It’s just sad that this person you’ve made has now become an absolute stranger to you. Did you not like my light? Do you prefer my sadness? Do you think the reason you stayed was to ‘fix’ me?
I didn’t need fixing. What I needed was support. What I needed was the push to seek help. The push to do the work. The push to find some kind of light in the darkness that surrounded me.
But I guess you didn’t need me once I found that light.
I should so hate you.
Damn you for making me think all of this. Damn you for breaking my heart in an irreplaceable way. Damn you for moving on, for shoving it in my face, and for making me see my worth only to make me feel completely worthless.