“…count my buckets full…”

-Larisa Gosla

“Buckets Full”

Fiction. Based on a True Goodbye Letter.

By Mingjie Zhai

Feature Photo by Clem Onojeghuo

This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional. 

Dear Rylie,

The truth is I said I love you because I was hoping you would say you loved me back.
That may be crazy, but then so is entering another person’s body on the first night of meeting them, which you would have been fine with.
I hooked up with a few guys in Colorado, and not once did I say that I loved them. I treated sex like it was a sport or a drug which is why the last time we kissed, I told you that “I wanted to do it right with you,” meaning I want to cultivate a real friendship and relationship before becoming physically intimate with you.
You say that it is not fair.
You are right.
It is not fair that my perverted way of thinking has it all backwards. Hooking up with strangers is normal but postponing physical intimacy so we may have a chance at cultivating genuine love is crazy.
Welcome to our world.
Perhaps you didn’t think that I loved you. Not with my reputation in this hookup culture.
We both had threesomes, we both treated sex like it was a game, and we both have gaslit people for control. It stems from the deepest fear of abandonment stemmed from experiences in childhood.
Truth be told, you screamed red flags too. You came through a court order, and you have no responsibility to me because you can barely take care of yourself.
Our society’s normal is the true crazy, and to dismiss my attempt of being romantic with you as crazy is a symptom of the perverse nature of post-modernism and nihilism, which you are constantly being bombarded by in our “cult”-ture.
I’m leaving LA because the culture is toxic, you will soon learn. You will be confronted with a lots of flattering words, political correctness, and pretentious falsities. Just be discerning not to turn a willful blind eye in the namesake of status and power. Do not chase fool’s gold because the real gold is within you. The devil wants the real gold (your soul), and you can ask Jesus to break any daemonic soul ties and soul contracts you have with evil should you truly desire freedom from bondage.
Developing feelings of kindness, generosity, and good will towards you is not crazy. By the time you read this, I’ve already left Los Angeles, so there is really nothing for me to gain from our relationship other than to provide you with the raw truth. By now, you’ve probably already told your friends how crazy and psychotic I am so you can feel less terrible about yourself for pushing me away. I get it. You don’t love me. I accept it the way people suffer on the streets, for those who sleep in tents on concrete floors, beneath the high rises that frame the dreams of fame and fortune.
You made a wish for me to leave you alone. Wishes operate on magic, which is a zero sum game theory. Just be careful what you wish for Rylie.
You made me out to look like a crazy person knowing that that is one of my worst fears—you played that hand. It’s a sign that you are also pushing me away.
You are right that I need help, just not the help you assume. Not the “mentally ill” help like I need to take crazy pills to act normal—that’s suppressed expression—and not the way I operate and not what the mission of The Love Story stands for.
You are right that it is my responsibility for acting in love and expressing the desires of my heart.
Gandhi once said that you can not love a person and withhold the truth from them.
I know how to separate my responsibility from yours. It is my responsibility to tell the truth and if you can not handle the truth, that is your responsibility. My responsibility is to tell you the secrets of my heart and to let go of the attachment to the result of telling the truth.
I see you have closed off your heart.
My heart is open and it refuses to close no matter how much you do things to subconsciously subvert my broken open state.
Stop spreading gossip and negativity about your family. The more you shed a poor light on  your family, the more you boomerang it back to yourself. A curse is a spell that operates on magic, designed to steal your peace, kill your joy, and destroy your soul. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Call out to Jesus in moments you face pure evil and terror, and He is faithful to come to your aide.
And I sabotaged the relationship because in my heart, I knew that I can never change you. I can not fix your bitter heart, and the more close I get to you, the more you’ll want to keep me from attaining my mission, because when you are ungrounded, unfocused, and in the state of misery, you’ll want me to feel the same as you do.
Misery loves company.
That’s what unrecovered alcoholics do.
12 Rules for Life will change your life, only when you are ready, and not a second earlier.
Love and Blessings,
Angelie

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