“There wasn’t a lot of people to look to, to like, associate myself with. It was really exciting as an Artist to be, ‘What is this…How do we make this work? How do we perform a show?” -Random Rab
“I try to draw the inspiration from the music itself….trying to dabble in sound, and find the inspiration through that. That way I’m not waiting for inspiration to hit me. I’m actually creating an environment where inspiration is available to me.” -Random Rab
“A Little More Free”
Fiction. Based on a True Half-Man Revelation.
By Mingjie Zhai
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
You were taking inventory of your resentments. It hit you like a bitch slap. You resent Amy, the woman who coddled and enabled Aaron’s bad behavior. The woman who sourced the unhealed energies of manipulation to get what she wanted, even if it meant overshadowing Aaron’s light. She was the reason why Aaron’s aim is on money and not on God. She was the reason why Aaron strove so hard, barely sleeping, barely taking care of himself because she had all those demands.
It was Victor Frankl’s words that compels you to reach out to Amy the last days of your stay in Warsaw, Poland. The passage reads:
P. 60 “Under the influence of a world which no longer recognized the value of human life and human dignity, which had robbed man of his will and had made him an object to be exterminated (having planned, however, to make full use of him first–to the last ounce of his physical resources)–under this influence the personal ego finally suffered a loss of values. If the man in the concentration camp did not struggle against this in a last effort to save his self-respect, he lost the feeling of being an individual, a being with a mind, with inner freedom and personal value. He thought of himself as only a part of an enormous mass of people; his existence descended to the level of animal life. The men were herded–sometimes to one place, then to another; sometimes driven together, then apart–like a flock of sheep without a thought or a will of their own.”
Two weeks ago Aaron had started calling you again. You asked him if he was single because you don’t want to harm his “on and off again” girl should they still be together or are working things out. He said no. The week prior, you had written an email stating that if he chose you, that you would come back to LA and if he chose to work things out with Amy, then you requested that he leaves you alone so you can continue on your Europe adventure. He calls you. You don’t pick up. You are cautious. He has a picture on his Skype account, a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You could tell by the way he vampirically drains your energy that he is still spiritually sick, but you have a thought that perhaps you could train him to be a sheep in wolf’s clothing. But you know this is wishful thinking. You know the solution is simple and hard. Let him go. He calls you again. You cave to your cravings.
He tells you to come back home.
You miss the way he wraps his arms around you when the two of you were naked in bed, cuddling after making love the night before.
He called to tell you that he wants to help you again.
You tell him to start from the beginning like everybody else…start with the pitch.
There are a few days of silence between.
And that Saturday morning, when you called, it had rung once and he had cancelled the call. A gnawing feeling nags at you. It’s not so much the cancelled call as it is that you sniff something foul. He is hiding something. What someone hides is both simple and obvious, according to Occam’s Razor.
Here’s another possibility.
What if he was lying this entire time that the two of you have been dating?
You gut checked. You reached out to Amy on her Instagram account. You send her screenshots of your recent correspondence with Aaron. You even tell her when the first and last time the two of you slept together. You show her pictures of the two of you together. She tells you that they have just celebrated their 7 year anniversary the week prior. She says that they have not once broken up during the time you and Aaron were seeing each other. You suspect that she is lying through her teeth, but granted you also know that they have a toxic addiction with one another, some sick co-dependent, Bonnie and Clyde dynamic, that if any outsider were to get involved, it would be like walking into a horror movie trap, where the inbred family kidnaps the traveler, butchers and eats him for dinner.
You tell Amy how Aaron has been approaching you and lying to you that he’s single. She doesn’t believe you and asks you to prove it. You call Aaron and record the conversation.
“When you and I were seeing each other, were you single?” you ask.
“Well…” he stutters. “Yes and no.”
“See, Amy…she doesn’t take break ups seriously.” He continues, “Well, when we would break up, I would have it in the back of my mind that we would get back together. And when we met, I knew you would be heading to Europe, so…” he says, “It’s just not logical that I break up with her just to wait for you.”
You are delighted that you caught him in the middle of what you have been suspecting all this time and you are disappointed that this crazy fantasy of his choosing you, flying to Europe with you, and spending the rest of your lives together in love, making love, building a family while traveling, is now dashed.
You tell him you are letting him go, that you have recorded the conversation, that the gig is up. Another sick delight. You want him to hurt. “Can you just leave Amy alone?” he pleads with you, “I don’t want to hurt her anymore than I already have.” You feel dismissed. What about your feelings? That’s right, you are playing it off as if you are the psychopath, well, sociopath to be exact, just so you could build that protective layer between you and men who could get to your heart. “Listen, Aaron, I have given Amy my number. I told her I will have this recorded and she will give me her email. When she does, this recording will be sent to her. No more lies.” And the minute those words come out, he turned.
“You’re a psychopath,” he tells you. “I can’t believe you would secretly record this without my knowledge.”
You couldn’t resist.
You remember doing the same thing to Sonny when you wanted to catch him in the act of cheating, lying, and manipulating. You gut checked like an investigative journalist, and after revealing the monster, your instinct is to reject.
“I’m letting you go, Aaron. This phone conversation isn’t to beg you back. This is to let you go.”
Anger wells up.
“You’re a seductress! You cunt. I can’t believe you,” Aaron said.
He is already a broken man, and just when he is finally opening up, just when he finally admits what he’s been working up the courage to tell you, you record him and tell him that you would give your confession to his girlfriend.
You feel like ICE bringing the illegal immigrants back to their home country.
Is he yours? You would ask Amy.
Yes, he’s mine. She would reply.
Good. He tried to escape. Now he’s your responsibility again. Please take good care of him.
You give Amy some advice on how to work things out. You tell her that if she doesn’t want him to womanize, perhaps it’s a good idea to look into literature about the Jocasta son complex. You know the advice you have given her is golden, huge breakthroughs that, when taken seriously, could help her in the trajectory of her love story. But you are realistic. By virtue that it is you giving her this advice, she will do the exact opposite, just out of hate and prideful defiance. Still, one can hope, like one can hope that Mexico will clean up its corruption so that the people inside would not even desire to want to smuggle themselves into another country for a better chance of living life honestly.
You tell him that what he is doing is sick. You tell him that if he wants to commit the sin of adultery, you have no control of that but to leave you out of the picture. You don’t want to get dragged through the mud. He had already violated one of your boundaries–wanting you to take the Plan B pill. You did it because you did not want to steal him from Amy the way Micky had stolen Sonny. It’s a cheap shot at “tying down” a man. You also took the Plan B because you did not want a man to feel forced to start a family with you when his heart is with another woman. You also did it because there was a part of you that still held onto the hope that Rylie and you could still work things out. Aaron tried convincing you to liquidate your retirement account and invest it in his business, and you almost did, but it was your retirement company that red flagged the situation and talked you out of it, along with an Old Timer in Drinker’s Den, and your dad. You wanted to think that he had your best interest the way you had invested in Mr. Hip Hop, thinking he had your best interest. It turns out, both men wanted to keep you a hidden secret, like a thief who stole a treasure but doesn’t want anybody else to know that he has hidden one, especially from his wife. He tries convincing you to stop what you’re doing in Europe just to see him with the hidden agenda of making a mistress out of you…again, unbeknownst to you. He is spiritually sick, under a spell by some witch’s curse, and he’s not yet humbled himself, not desperate enough yet to come to God to ask for help, listen, and follow directions yet. He’s running on self-will. And while it is plain to see it in him, it’s not so quite obvious to see it in yourself. Still you are grateful that he is your black mirror.
You remember the time when the two of you at Swingers in Santa Monica. He wanted to brag, so he had you listen to a close he did on a client to liquidate his money. Alternative broker trading. In this close, he wanted to establish instant rapport, so he told this client that he was at the same hotel this rich client was staying at when he and his fiance were in Hawaii.
You were angry at him for either lying to the man he was closing or lying to you that, unbeknownst to you, he was closing. He then showed you a video clip of a lion that was hunting a deer. He told you that you are the deer and he is the lion. Now that you think about it, the devil roars and prowls like a lion, but he is not a lion. The devil is an imitation of the real Lion. The devil is a shadow but not the substance. The devil lies but shirks when truth is present. Through common sense and common experience, you know that in his current state, he is not good for you. You knew he was a newcomer in recovery with all his character defects blaring in your face like a wounded soldier with pus festering out and the smell getting more sour. You had 13th stepped in recovery. You can’t expect a middle school student to take a college exam and pass, so why does it surprise you when Aaron’s temper tantrum, pride and conceit, and narcissist character flares during a time when you were looking to partner with a man who has contended with his shadow? The nights he called you to come over during the last month in Los Angeles when you were supposed to have saved up your money for Europe and stayed at home with your family to write the Producer’s Playbook was sidestepped in the trouble of renting cars to drive over to LA and see him. You had a hidden agenda yourself. You wanted him to provide for you, give you good sex, and just invest in all your dreams. Did it come as a putrid surprise when he requested you to invest in his dreams? Subconsciously, his emotional absence would save you the trouble of having to become emotionally present, so you can just focus on work, work, and work. Convenient right?
Those nights were filled with sweat but no sleep. You would wake up the next day filled with angst, regret, and self-loathing when you realized that there was a slight chance he was lying to you. His alarm would wake you at 4:30 in the morning and you wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep, and that alarm would keep snoozing till six in the morning. He also told you that if you did not wake him up, he’ll kill you. How true the half-man speaks to your subconscious. Stay with the half-man without defeating him and you will die. The only way you are able to be with half-man is if you can first wake him up. Most nights, especially his week nights, he would drain your spirit, your life essence. By just being with him, you could not concentrate on your work. You felt completely off-centered. You were quickly feeling that downward spiral of dreadful obsession of the mind where the fantasy of building a family with him would arise.
The Dream of Defeating Half-Man
Together, the two of you would do missionary work throughout the world, spreading the Good News through mixed media, music, and story medicine. He could play his guitar and sing with the children from city to city, country to country, while building an online education program that teaches people how to tune into God’s Love for guidance. He could record his own music, whilst you grow The Love Story journaling program, publishing more books, whilst he focuses on publishing his songs, performing in local cafes across the world, and trade stocks online. You two would raise two adopted children, and you two would both create and raise a beautiful child together, one that anchors the both of you to love when the times got tough. And you both would experience the wonderment and fulfillment of world travel, getting rooted in Christ through community and fellowship through Churchome and Drinker’s Den.
This is the dream you have for you and Aaron.
But there is a shadow that still lies brewing. It is the shadow you have inherited from Amy since you are now soul tied to Aaron. This shadow is the Bonnie and Clyde way of manipulating, lying, and conning people on the way to the top. While this is quite the inconvenience, you are also very familiar with this spiritual daemon–it’s the Jezebel spirit–that of blind ambition, insatiable wants and desires, and the femme fatale seduction of the siren. Yes, you are quite familiar with this spirit, except this time, you are already walking the path of Shadow Integration through the blood of Christ and the intercessory prayers of Mother Mary and the network of Holy Spirits.
Jezabel has got nothing on the Blood of Christ Jesus.
You have been listening to Judah Smith on the Churchome app and the sermon is on Rahab, the prostitute, who in Joshua’s days, was on home team, but when Joshua’s army came to take over the walls of Jericho, she chose to recognize the one true God, even if it meant switching to the invader’s team, and being at home-court disadvantage. You noticed that Judah Smith was wearing black and red on the day of that sermon, and something tells you that this was not a coincidence.
You can identify with Mary Magdalene, the reformed harlot, and remembered your last days drinking were fraught with being the fly-by-night girl and telling yourself that this is somehow okay as a freedom mark of progressive feminism. But now that you are outside the bubble, in Warsaw, Poland, you knew that staying with Aaron, knowing his heart is conflicted between you and Amy, would mean adultery. The truth is simple. It is acting on the plain truth that is hard.
Amy and Aaron now colludes by threatening lawsuit and harassment against you, even though it was she who asked you to prove that he was lying to you. She wants to believe so badly that it is you that is the bad person. She’s an idiot, because she does not want to know the truth when she has an opportunity to. She wants to think that it was you who was seducing him, not he inviting you to his place, insisting he is single, insisting that he wants to date you. She’ll learn the hard way. A woman with no self-respect will learn the hard way, the way you have learned the hard way. The man is a narcissist. The man is triangulating. She is too close to him, too attached, too blinded by the lies upon lies of the narc. But you can tell from this vantage point. And you are a co-dependent, so you are aware he is no good.
You had to let him go.
Not let him go in hopes that the time and distance would make his heart grow fonder of you and perhaps you will “win” him over.
Not let him go as in this will drive him more crazy about you.
But as in let him go.
Surrender to God’s will.
Let go of the attachment of the results.
The Dream will happen.
The method and the timing is God’s way.
Thank God for that.
Jesus’ yoke is simple.
Yours is way too complicated, burdensome, and heavy.
Jesus’ yoke is light.
Ask God to Redirect Your Mind
Redirect your attention to God’s calling for you.
Focus on how to integrate the shadow.
You are living in Act Two already.
You know that this journey is towards both the confession and the revelation.
One of the last things you said to Aaron is:
The means matter more than the ends.
The means does not justify the ends, the means make the ends.
The Journey informs the type of story you are acting out.
Is it a tragedy or a love story?
Choose, Angelie, choose.
What you choose, you become.
You are living out the fiction to reality and reality to fiction dance.
This isn’t a game, you remember Rylie telling you.
But what if it is?
What if you know that this is actually a simulation like Elon Musk posed, the One in a Billion chances, but that this simulation is not to be taken lightly, as in, you can’t just take your life lightly. You can’t dismiss your life as if you are just an avatar, like there is a reset button, because it took miracles upon miracles upon miracles to engineer you.
You are a walking fucking miracle.
You hear Dr. Jordan Peterson lay it out.
Your choices matter. Your stand matters. What you value matters. What you choose matters.
This means, even if he sues you for recording him, documentary style, during his most authentic, beautiful, and artistic moment–naked, free, and spiritual, so that he could see how you see him–as God’s beautiful miracle, it means you do not countersue. For it is written that it is a shame for Christians to sue Christians.
So if he sues, you must turn the other cheek. That means to let go.
For you know that if you fly back to Los Angeles and countersue, you would win, and you would have also lost the most important thing–love.
Let him win. You must lose so you can win.
You have to walk away like a defected, disillusioned, and disappointed Democrat.
But the good news is that there is a spiritual revival in America. A nostalgic yearning to finally listen to the lessons of our forefathers and tap into ancient wisdom that we once took for granted as young, dumb, and naive rebels without a cause.
You have to let him go because even if you will have “won” Aaron, you would have won a boy who has broken a promise to the girl he made promises to, you would have won a half-man, and the only way to maintain a relationship with a half-man is if you continually pamper, coddle, and enable the bad behavior by becoming a codependent. No, he must contend with his own Shadow.
You are already recovering from codependency based on your work with Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More and the many hours of audiobooks, your work with a SLAA sponsor, and psychotherapy to backpedal. You let him go because women of high quality would not put up with the lies, the drama, the narcissist manipulation, triangulation, and abuse. A high value woman puts her own safety, security, and provision first. She is not a martyr, she is a divine creator with the responsibility of cultivating her divine light. Those who do not understand it, appreciate it, and those who try to possess it through jealousy, greed, or conceit, are not worthy of her hand, her attention, her energy. You have put a velvet rope around yourself. You are God’s temple, God’s child, God’s apple. You remember Dr. Jordan B Peterson’s Rule #2: Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping in 12 Rules For Life.
What would you have told your little sister if she had experienced an Aaron in her life? You would tell her let go. You would remind her that she is worth much more. You would tell her that he is still immature and not ready for her. Let go.
You have to be self aware that manipulators can easily sense broken women. You have to accept the fact that for the longest time, there was a big sign on your forehead that says, “I am broken and have low self-esteem. Take advantage of me.” Hunters can smell prey like you from far away. You must be aware. You are transforming that but it takes time for God to work through you. It’s a new muscle you are exercising.
If it was one thing you could have done differently nine years ago with Sonny, it would have been to #WalkAway the first time you caught him gaslighting you. You would not have put up with his bull shit and his triangulation. Even though he may not have done it deliberately, the fact is that he has not yet fully contended with his own shadow, and a boy who has not yet fully contended with his shadow is still a boy, not a man. You are ready to get out of arrested spiritual development. You can’t save boys. Wendy must return home so she can grow up. She must leave Pan and the Lost Boys. The stakes are too high.
You remember Tim Constables at City Church in Warsaw preach about how Peter’s faith in Jesus and his audacity and boldness to just leave his trade, his home, his old ways to follow Jesus had a significant impact in the history of Peter’s life. Peter became disciple Peter. Peter became Apostle Peter. Peter is now one of the most identifiable apostles you can relate to and one of Jesus’ closest disciples. Peter was bipolar like you–with stupid courage and debilitating fears and doubts, yet even he was delivered from all stumbling blocks. You realize that you have this important mission to carry out, and most of your interactions with Aaron have been designed to distract you from your mission, drain you of your energy to move forward with the mission, and create doubt in you about your mission. This is not Aaron’s fault. He is unaware that he is under a spell and has been controlled by his own Shadow. Because of his arrogance, he is unable to see that he is in the way of God’s blessing for him, and you are grateful for meeting Aaron, because it is a stark reminder as to what is also in the way of God’s blessing for you. His character defects are the mirror image of your character defects. You two are twin flames. It takes just a little faith, a yes, from Peter to let go of all his attachments, and his willingness to let go proved to bear fruit beyond his wildest dreams for generations upon generations to come.
Aaron’s Shadow and your Shadow are stumbling blocks for your pursuit towards growing The Love Story and your own Love Story. The man who is right for you will enhance, support, and catalyze you, not create doubt, discouragement, and disharmony between you and the mission.
Still, the temptation to want Aaron to show up at your front door is there and it is strong. You think about Aaron like an alcoholic would obsess over the next drink. You know this is the lust daemon, the Jezabel, and the Siren seduction coursing through your body. The taunting is, “You’re not getting any younger. It’s now or never.” You are aware that this is the Shadow wanting you to commit the sin of adultery and sabotage your efforts to write what you need to write –the Producer’s Playbook and the program that will make a difference for many people for generations to come.
Love your Neighbor, or in your case, the 9 years younger version of yourself.
You meditated on what you would have wanted from the other woman, nine years ago, during the time you and Sonny were trying to work things out.
- You would have wanted the truth, even if that truth is ugly, and you would have wanted to hear it from her.
- Then, you would have wanted the other woman to leave you and Sonny the fuck alone so the two of you can resolve your issues together as a married couple.
- You would have wanted Sonny to keep his vows to you until you made the decision to break it off. And you did break it off, but you would have wanted the respect of seeing the relationship run its course before someone else took over the role of being with him.
Still, the past is beyond your control, but the present is within your control. The other woman lied through complicit silence, victim-blamed you, and had conceived a child while the two of you were still married. You accept what happened to you is what happened for you.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
What you can control is letting go of a man who has broken his vows to a woman of seven years. What you can control is not acting on the lustful desires of still wanting to be with him, evening knowing all this. Even if you are the “better” woman compared to Amy, so what? Even if the Germans were better than the Jews in intelligence, culture, and technology, so what?
If you do not have love, you have nothing.
You know this.
You know this clearly through the good works of the non-profit, you know this through the Divine revealing in 2013, and you know this through what you have witnessed in Auschwitz.
If you can’t love Amy the way you love yourself, you have nothing.
If you can’t love yourself enough to know that you deserve more than a man in arrested development, than you have nothing.
If you can’t love Aaron enough to let him know that what he is doing is wrong and sick and be willing to walk away so that one day he can wake up from the spell he is under, then you have nothing.
You recall the three things Rylie told you that helped you see the Shadow of the Sirens that aim to steal your joy, blessings, and God’s promise for you:
You are sick.
It was a sucker punch but the truth woke you up.
The truth broke the spell.
Rylie woke you up like a prince who kissed Snow White and woke her up.
Rylie did kiss you. It was the most tender kiss, the most loving and respectful kiss.
He woke you up.
And now you are in the second act, facing the evil queen.
You got sober, you went through your fourth 51/50 during your delirium tremors 12 months ago this season, and now you’re doing the steps over, this time with Smartie.
Smartie agrees to become your sponsor. Already the two of you had two powerful sessions that got you closer to knowing exactly what your character defects are. You must know what they are before you can ask God to remove them because you will know what to ask for.
The universe is neutral. The game has its laws. Respect it.
You strive because you ask not. (James 4:23)
You must go through your fourth step inventory so you can plainly see what exactly you need to ask God to remove.
You two are in the same time zone with the same real-time state of being. And, in many ways, you both come from similar family backgrounds, both monarch butterflies –sharp in the craft of double-mind, double-tongue, and dualities, ready to be healed from unhealed wounds that aim to sabotage the love, the family, the goodness that God has planned for you and within you. You both look innocent, but carry the claws of poison in your bloodstream, both grappling with the terrible toxic feminine, the same Jezebel spirit, eager to be delivered.
You are in Dubrovnik, Croatia, listening to Neil Gaiman’s strategy on presenting characters. “The key is to listen,” he says and when it comes to researching the time period, the mannerism, the culture of the character, one is to treat research like a thief breaking into a store, “take what you need and run.” That’s how you were able to write down two pages toward the Producer’s Playbook that you have given yourself the timeline of completing by the end of this month.
It starts with the mirror.
Artist-inspired journaling serves as the mirror for the journal-artist producer to journey through the first three anomalies prior to the activation into the unknown world, the extraordinary world.
The first is the mirror effect. You were able to identify how the mirror serves the Hero in identifying the shadow in the first place.
The second is the Supernatural Aid. You are able to identify that this is God defined in 1 Corinthians 13 to help the Hero cross the threshold into the extraordinary world.
Crossing the Guardian Threshold–those are the parts of your heart that are closed off by the monsters that reside within the heart.
The only way you can defeat the Guardian at the gates is by completing the 12 steps.
This was hinted at you when you were on a plane heading to Berlin, watching “Ready Player One,” and on the second Clue, you had received revelation that this is also your mission, should you choose:
Clue #2 2
A [Creator] who hates his own creation.
A hidden key: a [leap] (not) [taken]
Retrace your steps, escape your past and the key of jade will be yours at last. — Song.
And there it was.
The leap not taken are the rest of the steps that you did not take.
Retrace your steps, means to start again from Step One.
Smartie wanted you to start from the first three steps.
She tells you that Steps One through Three are for you to reconnect with God, reminding you to place your reliance upon Him at all times.
Let go of self-will.
Let go of the judgement.
Drop the rock.
You go through the steps.
One blaring character is lack of trust in God’s ways for you.
You want to be in control because you did not trust Him. You want to run the show instead of God running the show because you had secretly blamed God for how much love had hurt you. But that wasn’t love, baby girl.
That was a spiritually sick person who avoided contending with his own Sshadow.
That was you placing him as your god and becoming bitterly disappointed by him.
The second character defect is forgetting that others are just as spiritually sick as you are.
Ask God to remove your character defect and pray for the people you resent.
The last character defect is fear of not being good enough.
This has gotten you second guessing yourself, doubting your mission, doubting God’s calling for you and the mission.
Ask God to remove those character defects.
Always Be Closing
“I like your tenacity, but you need a profitable business, not a non-profitable one,” Aaron says to you.
“I wish you were here. I would’ve flown you with me to Seattle for GrowthCon,” he continues.
You had smiled when you first heard Aaron tell you this.
The idea of world travel with a man you can build a business and a dream with excites you.
He is on the same frequency.
However, you find out from Amy that they just celebrated their seven year.
You know better from your work on journaling reality into fiction, and leveraging fiction to clarify and inform your real-time journey, that character is simply words and actions.
The action from this character is simply that he has misled you by lying to you. He said he was single when he reached out to you, and that is why you responded. You told him what you value. You value honesty. You told him your bottom lines. You told him you would not ever want to get involved in a love triangle, embroiled in an adulterous love affair, yet he continued. He knew what you valued and what you did not value, and he disregarded it, insisting on his own way. Sounds familiar. Sounds like you. He is taking her out, loving her, and keeping you secret while behind her back, he is planting dreams of building companies and world travel with you in text messages. When you caught him, he responds with threats of lawsuits. You know his Shadow’s aim is to destroy you. That’s every Shadow’s aim.
You remember having a reoccurring dream as a child. It is of you flying across the world, with this ability to zoom in and zoom out as you go, but on the ground is a figure of a man who watches, and you know his intent. His intent is to clip your wings, put you in a cage, among his collection of wild birds, and keep you from being in your natural element.
You realize that you left Sonny because you needed to leave him. You knew that you were two years past due your play pretend with him. He wanted a domesticated wife and you thought you could pretend to be that docile, happy and satisfied home bodied woman. No, you have a wild spirit, and you can’t imagine being happy living the kind of life that your mother and his mother lives.
You resent all the women, Amy included, for enabling, coddling, and manipulating Aaron in giving up his dream of becoming an artist so he could pursue a career as a con-artist to make enough money to please all the women in his life who project their shoulds onto him with their ambitions, desires, and grandiose dreams for him.
You imagine that there will come a day when he will have a existential crisis and go back to God again. This time, he will be desperate enough to surrender himself to God’s will so the miracle can come in and work through him.
After his lawsuit threat, you automatically respond with your credentials.
You then follow up with another email, “The truth is that you are already beginning to fall in love with me. For Amy’s sake, it’s best that I stay away because if I come back to LA, you will leave her for me.”
The Evil Queen in you comes out. There is the Dragon working for you. You know in your heart of hearts that this is true.
You know how to utilize Truth.
Here is another truth. Stay out of their affairs. The more you meddle, the more you’ll be getting in God’s Way. You must allow God to work through Aaron.
If you pluck a fruit from it’s branch too soon, the insides sour.
God’s time and God’s method. You remind yourself.
You know that Amy is fiercely jealous of you.
She is jealous because she wants to have that wild woman spirit made manifest that you are already exhibiting.
Aaron chose comfort at a time he needed to continue to push.
Aaron chose to please Amy instead of following his Artist Way.
Aaron chose to pursue fool’s gold instead of the real gold.
In many ways, you sympathize with Aaron because you were Aaron once upon a time ago. You molded yourself to please Sonny, and you had made Sonny your god, instead of trusting in the One God who can really make a difference in your life. God did play a non zero sum game in hindsight. You are now typing away in Dubrovnik, Croatia and a few days ago, you and Roxy were scaling the castle walls overlooking the Baltic sea. Your goal is world travel before you die while making a real difference as an educator. You’re learning a new kind of life flow, a level of detachment, and a constant sense of adventure and openness, and more importantly, trust in God.
At Old Town Dubrovnik, you come across a bookstore. There, you saw all your favorite books, The Alchemist, Eat Pray Love, and Fantastic Beasts. A new book caught your eye. It’s title, Women Who Run with the Wolves, and this morning you finally took time to read a few pages. Immediately, you knew this book was calling you to understand the importance of integrating the shadow. It’s about getting back in touch with your dark feminine, the wild unknown, and the rediscovery of ancient ruins, of archeological wonders the world has to offer before man tries to destroy. It is also about integrating the Shadow. You are aware that there is a romanticism of embracing the Shadow in this book, but you need to read it through spiritual discernment, and pay attention to what Holy Spirit is telling you.
One of the last things you said to Aaron is, “God is telling me that the answer is not ‘not enough,’ but rather ‘not yet.’” You left it rather cryptic because that is all the download you have received. You are now ordered not to contact him any more.
Let him go.
The answer is simple but hard.
It’s one of the hardest things you had to do with Sonny.
You knew your karmic time with Sonny was over. It should have ended after five years of being with him, but like teaching in a school system that was fundamentally broken, you overstayed your visit.
You read the short story of the magical seal woman marrying the lonely fisherman because he had held her seal coat hostage–the coat that would allow her to swim back home, and he promised her that he would give it back to her after seven summers. They had a child together, but her spirit began to wear away. The luster in her eyes began to fade, the smoothness of her skin began to crack, and she was dying. After seven summers past, she asked for her seal coat but he refused to give it back. He accused her of being a bad woman for leaving him and their son, and he continued to hold her seal suit hostage. Father Ocean came to give the seal suit to her son who gave it to his mother who wound up going back to the ocean. Her son was sad, but grew up musically gifted and would linger in the ocean to commune with his mother.
Something inside of that story stirred you.
What if God intended you to be here?
What if you do not have to feel guilty anymore for your choice in leaving Sonny nine years ago? What if you let go of the story that it was he who forfeited you? Because that would be a lie.
The truth is that you had forfeited the family with him to pursue what you are pursuing now.
You are finally taking on the Hero’s Call to Adventure.
It’s not that you don’t want a family. You do.
It’s “not yet,” not “not enough.”
Not yet. .
You are good enough to build and grow a family.
It’s just not yet.
The Biblical stories of Abraham and Sarah is about having faith in God. As they were both at a point when she was no longer at childbearing age to have children, that was when God blessed her with the miracle of having children.
Aaron wanted to wait till he was your age, 9 years later. You would be 42 during the time he is ready to raise children.
You have to meditate on this. Could you travel like this for another 9 years? Exploring ancient ruins, discovering new cultures, coming upon new architectural wonders while writing and publishing books remotely? Yes, you can.
Travelers will come and go in your life, and you have accepted this.
Lovers will come and go in your life, and you have accepted this.
Soulmates will teach you but will also move on once the lesson is learned, and you have accepted this.
The Love you are now pursuing is not limited to a particular group, culture, or bloodline.
You have received the revelation in 2013 when the white cop and the black cop were gurneying you into ambulance, and you had shared the secret to the Big Why of being here.
Don’t you get it? We’re all the same! The point is love. That’s why we’re all here!
And there it is. The reason you can travel around the world for the rest of your life from this point forward is knowing this hidden but plain truth of living. You are here to see everyone as a universal family, under God, the same soul in different disguises, and pursue an agape love while spreading the Good News of Love’s Power to meet us wherever we are, and our task is to integrate with the Shadow and transform it.
What would you have wanted nine years ago from the other woman when she had inserted herself into the marriage you and Sonny had?
You would have wanted her to tell you the truth, even if that truth was ugly.
You would have wanted her to apologize, for her part in the situation.
You would then have wanted her to leave the picture whilst you and Sonny were still seeing if it would work out or not.
Honestly, had the other woman done all three things –tell the truth, apologize, and left you and Sonny to run its course–you and Sonny would have split anyway. And you would not have a victim story as a crutch, delaying what is plain and obvious for you to pursue.
The truth is, you were ready for the Call to Adventure. You yearned to run with the wolves again. Somewhere deep within your subconscious, your Shadow was calling you out to find it, to choose the path of redemption to meet, integrate, and transform it.
Two nights in a row, you received a phone call from different numbers. The automatic voice message starts with identifying itself as Google Business. The man on the other end asks you if you were the owner of “Lover’s Revenge Club,” and you admit that you had started the company once upon a time ago, but you did not pursue growing the company. You tell him that you are now building, growing, and running the business, “The Love Story Media, Inc.”
The next evening, you receive a phone call from another number. The same automatic voice message starts identifying itself as Google Business. The man on the other end asks you once again if are the owner of “Lover’s Revenge Club,” and you answer once again, this time a bit irritated, that have already addressed this issue. You tell him that you are no longer pursuing this business. He asks you what it would have been about. You tell him the original intention was to help broken hearted women become successful as the best way to seek revenge towards a wound, but instead you are now running, “The Love Story.”
He snickers when he hears you say, “The Love Story,” a bit incredulous with a tinge of cynicism.
You tell him that you’ve chosen redemption over revenge.
And there you have it.
You’ve made your choice.
You finished your fourth step after two sessions with Smartie.
You tally up your character defects.
The number one cause of your resentment?
Not trusting God.
God, please remove my distrust in you.
Just for today.
Please remove my fear of You.
Remove my fear of Love.