by Chelsea Wolfe
We have a long history together. And now our friendship is just that. History. I try to believe things happen for a reason but sometimes that doesn’t stop things from hurting. And it hurts to know that we’re no longer friends. That I can no longer call you or text you when something exciting happens.
We’ve been through a lot together and I think there was too much between us and that’s why we’re no longer friends. Why we both felt that we had to step away. I’ve accepted that but the memories are still there.
I remember the first day we met in high school. We were both quiet. We’re not shy we just don’t like people. High school students especially do and say stupid shit that made both of us roll our eyes. But we clicked instantly in art class and talked the whole period. We both loved reading, watching horror movies, rock and roll music – anything heavy really, we loved animals and we loved wearing black. The next day you walked up to me in the hallway and slapped my ass as you asked, “what’s up bitch?”
Everyone in the hallway starred at us and I instantly knew at that moment we were going to be best friends. Other people would find that weird but not us. I sometimes think that was the base of our friendship. That we were both weird and didn’t give a fuck what anyone else thought of us.
We were always the outcasts in our grade, and we thrived in that knowledge because we hated the world around us. But it was more than that. You had a lot of shit in your life that you kept from everyone, even me. I respected that. I wasn’t one to pry and I knew that if you needed to talk you’d come to me.
But then the day came when I went to school and found you crying the hallway. You were in your pajamas and I knew something had happened because it was picture day and the day before we were talking about dressing as emo as we could get. So I asked you to tell me what was going on. I’d go after anyone who tried to hurt you and I would make everything better.
You were taken out of your home by the police and CPS. Accusations were made about your stepfather and you had to stay with your sister. You hated your sister, over the years it just got worse with you two. You thought she was a selfish slut and I was your best friend so I had your back – she totally was.
I held you in the hallway as you talked to me and I glared at everyone who looked at us too long. I don’t think you noticed and I’m glad if you didn’t because you had a lot of other things to worry about.
A few days went by and you couldn’t handle living with your sister anymore. So I took action. I made the arrangements and my mom let you come live with us after we talked to your caseworker. We lived together for weeks.
It was the best time of my life living with my best friend. We literally did everything together. Got ready in the mornings, rode the bus, talked shit about everyone we hated, reading books and sharing our thoughts. And here’s my favorite part and I’ll never forget it. Our favorite napping position after school. Me laying on my stomach on the couch and you laying on your back on top of me. It was the most comfortable position and I’ll never forget the look my mom had when she came home from work and found us out cold like that. She couldn’t understand how we were comfortable, but it was like we fit perfectly together.
We got asked a lot why we never dated, it wasn’t a crazy idea since we were bisexual. But the love we had for each other wasn’t something either of us wanted to risk being ruined as anything more than friends. We were happy the way we were we didn’t need to add anything else.
I remember the nights we stayed up and smoked pot outside even though we had school the next morning. Or the late nights where we were reading because we had to know what happened. I remember you copying off my work because you didn’t understand something or me copying off your work because I was too busy writing a story in my notebook.
Then CPS and the police came to move you to a foster home over an hour away. It was to keep you safe because it turns out the allegations about your stepdad were true. I understood at that moment that you had a lot more shit going on in your head than I thought. Even though I was slightly hurt you didn’t tell me I still understood and I didn’t look at you any differently. You were my girl and I had your back no matter what.
I made sure you told me if you were safe when you got to the foster home. We had heard horror stories about foster homes and I would burn the world to get you moved if you were somewhere unsafe. Turns out you couldn’t have been put in a better place. Your foster mom was amazing. She still is considering she’s adopting you after all these years. It’s sad for me to think I won’t see the day the paperwork is approved all the way through because you deserve that moment of finally having a mom who loves you the way you should have been loved by your birth mother.
Its been years since all that went down but I still remember it all. And I’ll never forget the bumpy road that we went through after that and again recently. We’ve gone through a lot of shit. But we did from the beginning and I think we needed each other for everything that was to come and now I hope things will be so much better for both of us. I hope that the bad times are over because it seemed that we needed each other for the bad times. I have faith that this is true because if it is then losing you is worth it. You’re my ex-best friend now, Alice. But I still wish nothing but the best of things for you.