Fiction. Based on a True Journey of Letting go of Hatred.
“How can you transform your bitterness into betterness? How can you alchemize pain into sweet pain?” -Andrea Saenz
Written by Chelsea Wolfe
It took me a long time to get the strength to write to you. Not because I was scared or intimidated. No, it was nothing like that. It took me this long to have something to say to you that I wouldn’t regret later. Because the truth is, until recently, I hated the very thought of you. I wanted nothing more than for you to suffer. A part of me still does, but I’m working on it. It’s just a whisper that crosses my mind, no longer an aggressive yelling that I hear every time your name is said around me. And while I can’t guarantee I will ever be anything more than civil with you, it’s still progressing from the bitterness I felt about you before.
Because you see, I was bitter towards you. I had every right to be I think. From the moment I heard your name, it was nothing but bad things that involved me and my family. It started with my friends. You worked with them and my boyfriend if you remember. They would come to me filled with annoyance because you liked to flirt with my boyfriend. They would tell you he was with someone, a good friend of theirs, but you continued still.
It used to irritate me. But the things I would imagine I’d do to you if I ever saw you was the worst part. It scared even me because I didn’t think I could be that fucked up. But had I been given the chance at the time, I would’ve acted, and I wouldn’t have cared. The reason why is another story. One that we’re not close enough for me to share with you directly.
After that, you were getting rides home from my boyfriend. You didn’t have a car and you needed them. I didn’t like it. I was livid about it. But I let it go. He considered you a friend and I didn’t want to be that girlfriend.
Then I started seeing the text messages and my bitterness towards you grew. You knew he had a girlfriend and a baby. My friends kept telling you but you still went after him anyway. What kind of person does that? You were either really stupid and naive, or you were a manipulative bitch who did whatever she needed to do to get what she wanted. And you wanted my man. He was weak to give in to you. I see that now. I’ve accepted it.
But what you didn’t know was that I was sick. I didn’t know it either until later. But it was easy to convince me that you were stalking not just my boyfriend, but my child. Did I tell you how he used to tell me he wished you would just leave him alone? That you were some desperate chick from work that wanted more than he could give? No? Maybe if you knew you would understand my bitterness better. About the reasons why I would think about the things I did. The justifications for what I would’ve done to you.
I did confront you once. There were a lot of people. I did that so I wouldn’t hurt you – you’re welcome. I told you to stay away. Told you you weren’t wanted. I thought by confronting you myself, that hearing things from me instead of my friends would make you back off. It didn’t.
After that, things just kept escalating. My sickness was getting worse because I didn’t know about it. I was so focused on keeping my family together, that I didn’t stop to think about myself. All that mattered to me was the bitch trying to tear my family apart.
You have a child now. Perhaps you can understand the bitterness and loathing I felt towards you. You were posting pictures of my baby on your social media. Would you be okay with someone doing that? Someone you don’t know, someone you’re being told is stalking your family?
You didn’t know everything I was going through. All the lies being told to me about you. Or maybe you did and you just didn’t care. You got what you wanted after all. I’m okay with it now. I’m working on my bitterness towards you.
I’m always going to remember the pain I had to endure because of you. Because while my boyfriend was doing the lying, you were still being told he had someone. You knew. Don’t try and deny it. It takes two to make the choice of being intimate the way you two were. The way you two are now.
I don’t feel anything towards you. I don’t wish you all the happiness in the world, but I no longer wish you to suffer the rest of your life. I’ve accepted the bitterness towards you and the pain you caused in me. It’s helped to mold me into who I am today. I’m still working on myself. But I’m proud of what I’ve overcome. I wouldn’t be me today without you in a way. It’s a bittersweet feeling to have. But I’m okay with that too.