“Break me down, and then you make it better.”
Fiction. Based on a True Never-ending relationship.
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.
“It’s the last time,” he says while kissing me but it’s never the last time with us. This is probably the third time he’s said those exact words. In this moment I’m not thinking much about it. I enjoy it. Your hands on me and our lips intertwined. That’s all I think about, us, in this moment.
As soon as the moment is done, I start wanting it again. After the moment, there is uncertainty. The uncertainty breaks me every time. It’s a yes, a no, I don’t know anymore. It gets awkward and silent because there is nothing that has to be said. Neither of us knows how to be with each other without touching.
He’s leaving now.
“Wait, maybe we should get some food?” I ask him. Just to have him a little more time. To see if we really can be with each other.
He smirks at me. “Maybe we shouldn’t, but I’ll see you around okay?”
He leans into me and kisses me on the cheek, “Maybe we should just be friends,” he says. But let’s be real, we can’t be just friends. Every time I look at his smile it makes me shiver because I know that smile used to be because of me. I can’t see him and pretend like it’s okay. I can’t be just friends because every time I see him my feelings come rushing back.
However, I smile and say, “Sure.” He leaves and I close the door and there I am on the floor realizing the mess I’ve made of myself once more.
He’s the best and worst thing that has happened to me. He never goes completely and never leaves my life. Other men come and go and I don’t know what it is but I always find my way back to him. We fell into a habit of always coming back. We were comfortable with each other. We knew each other more than anyone else. We were each other’s safe spaces. When things in life weren’t going the best way we would find some peace within each other.
The thing is, it never works anymore. I don’t know why we keep doing it. I try to give him a chance and he ruins it. Whenever he looks for me it’s because he’s lonely and wants attention. As soon as he gets it, he starts to leave again. When he leaves, I’m the one who’s broken. I’m the one that picks up all of my pieces, puts them back together, and waits for it to happen again.
I’m not the one for him, I want to be so bad. It hurts to know that we aren’t it. Maybe it’s my fault for being too accessible. Maybe it’s his fault for being too closed. Whatever it is, I can’t keep trying to be his. So, I’m going to let him go, even if he doesn’t. As much as he tries to come back, I won’t be there anymore.
For my sake, I can’t.
After a stressful day, all I want is to call him up and have him here with me. Just one more time. It’s never one more time, but I want to. It doesn’t help that I see him all over my social media. When you can’t have them you want them even more.
I open our messages and type a simple I want to see you. I read it. Re-read it. Re-read it again. I think of how I was on the floor last time he left. I can’t do that to myself again. I erase the message and look at all our other messages. They’re so short. They have no emotion anymore. We don’t have emotions anymore. We are not a ‘we’.
They say a circle has no beginning and no end, but I’m ending the circle, I want the end to come.