“A Beginning and an End”
Fiction. Based on a True Lived Experience.
by Pearl of Wisdom
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Trigger Warning: our program often motivates people to discuss their trauma. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please, take a step back to address emotional flashbacks and trauma before continuing to push yourself. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (1-800) 273-8255.
I’ve been here before, many times. Each time it gets harder and harder because I’m older and more time has passed. I’m stuck, stuck in a cycle of a toxic sense of self and attracting toxic guys who keep reminding me of it. I slept with a married man. This is my rock bottom. This was a while ago too. I at first tried to push him away but he persisted and I gave in because the attention felt so good. Then I found myself going along with the exciting, yet painful secret and trying to be the cool girl who didn’t overreact and could just have fun. Well easier said then done. I’m lonely and live alone and still trying to make friends in the surrounding area I moved to a few years ago. I’ve also been single throughout most of my life. I’m introverted and not good at making new friends easily so when I do get attention it feels so good, especially from someone I find attractive. These are excuses I know, but you can so easily give up your morals when your inner child is hurting and needs attention. Well it only happened once but it could have happened again. I invited it to happen again actually but he wasn’t ready and it was bad timing. I tried to talk myself into never doing it again after the first time but when I went back to the place where it all started and saw him again my need for validation took over and we just continually flirted again and again, Each time we saw each other was giving hope that it could and would happen again. So what changed as of now? I think I just got tired of being rejected, not having my feelings reciprocated but being looked at and talked to only for sexual reasons. That and googling stories of other women who went through the same thing and reading the truth of what is really happening, not the fantasy I want to believe. I’m faced again to deal with myself and focus on me and handle my own problems. I know I have tried consciously and unconsciously to avoid dealing with myself because it hurts and it’s lonely but the cycle will just lead back here again and again. I’ve been distracting me from myself for years and years, I know what my problems are but facing them, really facing them and doing it on my own is scary. I’ve had moments of strength before and I know getting through this and facing my fears and being kind to myself will make me feel better than ever before, but those moments can be fleeting. I have to keep returning to this place of self regulation instead of distracting my pain and desperately searching for rescue. Writing it out feels good, it feels cathartic and it is helping me to move on. I could write this for myself but my pain needs to be heard, I want to put it out there and have someone listen and relate. I want to share my struggle and this is the only way I know how. One day at a time things will get easier. I have to keep making better decisions everyday and remind myself why I deserve better. My inner child has been crying inside for years and years and she needs a voice, she needs someone to listen and she needs to heal and get stronger. I’m not letting her get pushed away anymore. She will smile again and this time she really feel the love she has inside.